​It’s not fair! by Jane Foulkes and Wendy Picken
 
Some children’s bereavement books are stories written to be read or listened to by the young people themselves.  Some are for adults who want to help through understanding how a death might be experienced by their children or those entrusted to them.   “It’s not fair!” could easily be read by either but all the way through reading it,  the sense is of an adult and a child sitting together turning the pages.  It’s easy to imagine adult and child, sitting together, leafing through the pictures of faces in the first part of the book.  The words and the simple images of different feelings offer potential for conversation and reflection as well as learning.  However, I wonder if most children will skip past the faces looking for the stories, but this is a book for more than one reading so I don’t suppose it really matters. 
​
There are two stories.  In the second part of the book, Frankie lives with her mum and her grandma and her dog Jason who we are told has “three good legs and one not as good as the other three and sometimes stuck out to the side when he was running”  When her mum dies, Frankie doesn’t want to play with her friends anymore and only Jason, the dog, remains as her companion and, when others don’t, she senses that he understands, “when Frankie didn’t want to talk Jason put his head on Frankie’s lap”. There is a lightness in the storytelling and a simplicity in the words but allow the reader to hear the voice and the thoughts of the bereaved child.  

In the third part of the book, Albie’s story tells of boy who is often cross and angry as he struggles to understand himself in this new world of bereavement following his dad’s death. Wrapped around both stories are the voices of the two adults in the stories, Frankie’s grandma and Albie’s teacher.  For the reader they model the words that will explain, without creating confusion, and comfort, without denying the reality of death or the hurt of separation. 

The two authors, Jane Foulkes and Wendy Picken are to be commended for the way in which they have managed to capture the voices and the thoughts of the children they have worked with and embed them in the narrative. The result is a very readable book full of insight and wisdom wrought from experience.

Rev. Liz Henderson
Richmond's Hope

The Simple Guide to Understanding Shame in Children: What it is and How to Help by Betsy de Thierry 

Betsy de Thierry has such an accessible way of explaining complex issues. ‘The Simple Guide to Understanding Shame in Children’ is a ‘must read’ for adults of all ages, parents, carers and professionals working with children and their families: in other words for everyone!
​
From explaining the difference between shame and guilt, ‘....guilt says you made a mistake, shame says you are the mistake’ (p17), de Thierry moves on to demonstrate how shame lurks everywhere  - in our families, in our schools, in our society, in religion, in social media. Often used by adults - consciously and unconsciously -  to motivate children shame does  the exact opposite impacting negatively on brain, body and self sometimes cripplingly so.

The book weaves theory, research and the impact of shame seamlessly,  with both vignettes and also self-reflection points built into every chapter. 
Shame-based symptoms and behaviours are well explained.
Being shamed or feeling shame are unavoidable consequences of being human;  the unhealthy and toxic impact of shame is avoidable.

Betsy de Thierry provides practical information for everyone on how to promote healing from shame – the message is:  ‘’...the way to help the child is through understanding, empathy, kindness and emotional connection,  fun  and laughter’ (p81).  

An essential, informative and hopeful read, highly recommended. 

Edwina Grant
Chair, Scottish Attachment in Action
Edwina is an independent chartered Educational Psychologist and certified DDP (Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy) practitioner and trainer.

The A to Z of Therapeutic Parenting
Sarah Naish (2018)
Published by Jessica Kingsley
 
I work therapeutically as a Clinical Psychologist with adoptive and foster families.  I’m always on the look-out for resources that are accessible, quick to read, affordable and that make good practical sense. 

The A to Z arrived and I immediately loved the cover. 
It was also bigger than I expected. 

​I began by giving this book a first road test.  Would I be able to read it during the little time I have as a busy working parent?  I have so many books which don’t pass this test!  So, I checked whether it could be read in short snatches of time - during visits to the bathroom or while waiting outside school for pick-up time.  I covered a lot of ground quickly! 

The book is split into two main sections.  The first part contains just enough theory to explain important concepts such as ‘inner working model’ and ‘developmental trauma’.  It provides a simple, logical overview of therapeutic parenting, what it is and what it looks like.  It does all this, while also being realistic, kind and empathic about just how hard parenting a traumatised child can be. Even the font and writing style is friendly.

The second and main body of the book looks at common concerns, dilemmas and difficulties.  The topics are (of course!) listed from A to Z.  For each topic, the reasons for why it may be happening is explored, followed by strategies that can be used to prevent it, during it or after it has happened.  There is no ‘one size fits all’.  This book helps parents to be curious about their child and encourages exploration about what their child’s behaviour might mean and what the underlying need may be.  The strategies described fit well with Theraplay and Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, two of my favourite interventions (because they are effective).   

This is a book that can be read at a calm and leisurely pace or, when needed quickly referred to in the midst of a crisis.  This book feels like adoption and fostering gold-dust.  I wish it had been around when I first began working with adopted and fostered children many years ago.  I’m recommending it to most of the parents that I’m supporting, along with social workers and schools. 
But, the real test of a book for therapeutic parents is to ask parents what they think of it.  They are the experts by experience.  Here’s what they had to say:

As an adoptive parent, I wish I’d this book from the beginning, when we first adopted our older sibling pair. It offers an invaluable, user-friendly guide to help parents / carers find ways to deal with their children’s behaviour but, most importantly, to understand where it is coming from. I would recommend this book to all adopters, foster carers and anyone else involved in the care of traumatised children. As well as being a very clear source of helpful, and much-needed, advice to parents and carers, the book is also very useful for dipping into and finding information to help others to understand, e.g. family and friends, as well as school staff and other professionals.

My criticisms, completely outweighed by the positives, are that there are certain, possibly minor, topics which I couldn’t easily find. Part of the difficulty is that we don’t all use the same words in exactly the same way. Also, some important themes simply run through the book, but are not included as separate entries in the A-Z. I think navigating quickly through the book would be easier if there were a contents list for the A-Z part in the printed version, as there is in the eBook. I also think an index would be helpful.

From an adoptive dad:  
I now understand why people are being so positive about this book. It is written in an easy to take in style and doesn't make you feel like you've done it all wrong again but offers simple advice about why some of the behaviours we witness exist. I can see us using this to dip into to support what we already know (and regularly forget) between traumatic events as well as using it afterwards, whilst crashed out in bed with the customary bar of chocolate and/or cup of tea, to explain why the latest meltdown happened. It would have been really useful to have had about 5 years ago!

And another adoptive dad:
As an adoptive parent I'm finding 'The A-Z Therapeutic Parenting' incredibly helpful and encouraging.  It's written in a friendly and accessible style, gives insight to the minds of children who have suffered trauma, offers tried and tested strategies for dealing with difficult behaviour, and is structured in a way which facilitates accessing the wisdom within quickly as required.  This book should be made available at an early stage to every adoptive parent!
 
Review by:
Dr Helen Rodwell
Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Co-author of Parenting with Theraplay
and Jane, Dave and Andy
Adoptive parents (experts in adoption by experience). 

“A Therapeutic Treasure Deck of Sentence Completion and Feelings Cards" 
(Therapeutic Treasures Collection) 
by Dr Karen Treisman
 
When I first received the Therapeutic Treasure Deck and had a quick flick through the cards, I have to confess I felt a wee bit cautious. 
​On reflection,  I think perhaps this was because I was busy with other stuff at work and that I have seen many different versions of “feelings cards” over the 23 years I’ve been a Social Worker.  So decided I would proceed with my cautious part! 

I would also just say that I haven’t (so far) read Dr Treisman’s “Therapeutic Treasure Box” book.  However, I was reassured that it wasn’t necessary to do so in order to use the Deck.

So actually, all it took was to read through the instruction booklet accompanying the Deck.  I began to feel rather curious about the possibilities of the cards, replacing my previous caution.

I like the cards themselves – the feel of them and the illustrations - I found myself wondering about children who would experience the Deck as a means of helping them connect with and communicate their feelings and story.  I quickly found myself connecting the application of the cards to DDP/PACE and Theraplay.

As a Social Worker in a small Family Placement Team, my role involves supporting families to build connections and attachment relationships with the children they care for and parent.  And it is important we acknowledge that parenting and caring for children with developmental trauma and attachment difficulties is not easy, particularly when children are resistant to our attempts. 

I chose to use the Deck with a 10 year old child to see how I could use them to connect.  I was curious - would they like them?   What sense would they make of them?  Would using the cards help them feel safe enough to communicate their feelings, hopes, wishes and fears?  Would it help me as a worker understand what they were communicating?  Lots of questions.

This child was immediately curious about the cards.   She was able to engage with them and recognise many of the feelings images. The cards provided opportunities for conversations about the less usual ones.  Exploring the cards, the child was able to verbalise what was going on in the image eg how is the swan keeping the cygnets safe?  Why do they need to be safe?   What might make them “not safe”?  She was able to reflect using her own words about when she feels safe and not safe, and what makes her feel safe when she is frightened.

She appeared relaxed about being able to choose and talk about what was on the cards.  This then lead us into talking about eg what the animal was feeling which flowed into how and when the child might experience this emotion.  It was helpful to use the sentence completion cards alongside the feelings cards which helped to fill in gaps in the stories.  Whilst using the cards I was mindful of the PACE attitude – using Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy and, where appropriate, playfulness.

One of my colleagues used the cards with a 14yr old who finds it difficult to explore and talk about her feelings.  The worker found the cards helpful both for the young person, who was able to choose the cards she connected best with, and also for the worker in helping to notice also which cards the young person was avoiding.  The young person was able to check out with the worker what they (the worker) would feel/think/do or say.  The young person was also able to reflect on what her parent might feel.   There was exploration with the young person as to what they were experiencing/feeling eg a year ago, and what is different now – opening up further conversations and about what might happen in the future.   This young person finds it difficult to sustain conversations, so, with the cards, she felt she had some control over how long to spend on each and how much reflection was manageable for her.

The worker in this case felt that using the cards took the pressure off the young person in having to sustain an intense, one-to-one, conversation with another.   This particular young person asked if the worker could bring the cards back again.  The worker’s experience was that the cards opened the possibility of further explorations next time they meet.

The Therapeutic Treasure Deck lends itself to working with individuals, groups and families and it connects well with other approaches.  As I experienced, they can be used effectively alongside the attitude of PACE (Playfulness; Acceptance; Curiosity; Empathy).

The child or young person can have some control over which cards they wish to look at and talk about, without the pressure of having to answer direct questions.  They can control the pace, the choice of card, how much they wish to talk about, and how to connect with their own experiences, which is especially helpful for children with a limited emotional vocabulary.  I like the idea also of encouraging the child or young person to expand on what appears on the cards by drawing, painting, colouring and using other media like playdoh. 

Using the cards opens up all sorts of creative possibilities of how to use them to connect and communicate effectively with the child.  They can be tailored to the individual child or young person’s needs.  They help us to go at the child’s pace. 
​
Using the cards keeps conversations open and engaged, letting the child or young person know you are interested in them.  You are noticing what they find tricky and you are alongside them, acknowledging with them that some of this stuff is hard.  Using the cards provides the worker with a raft of information about the child without using checklists or questions – including why they might be avoiding particular cards.  It helps us as workers notice what might be under the surface - what’s behind a child’s fears and anxieties and presenting behaviours, and what might help the child to manage the things they find hard to manage. 

The Therapeutic Treasure Deck creates opportunities to help children connect and make sense of their own story and to begin be open to the possibility that the adults who care for them can help them and accept and love them.   I will be sharing the Deck with my colleagues in the Family Placement Team here as well as generally within Children’s Services.

In conclusion - I have moved from having a rather large cautious part to having developed a rather inspired part!   I am in fact a total convert!  I really like the Therapeutic Treasure Deck and will most definitely be using it with the children and families I support.  So my advice would be – pick them up and give it a go!

Shona Thain
Social Worker (Family Placement Team)
and Adoptive Parent

Parenting Strategies to Help Adopted and Fostered Children with Their Behaviour by Christine Gordon

​The wonderful wisdom in this book is a most welcome addition for any parent, professional or educator supporting children with difficult to understand behaviour. Although the focus of the book is on children affected by early trauma, (especially children who are fostered or adopted) the strategies and
underpinning knowledge is universally valuable. I found the book to be full of insights which have deepened my understanding of parenting and working with children who have had a difficult start in life.

The book offers a unique contribution to the literature on parenting children with early life trauma due to the inclusion of the invaluable behaviour charts which make up the second half of the book. The charts explain the underlying causes of many common behaviours children affected by trauma display, with useful insights and strategies for interpreting and supporting behaviour when it arises.

It is very understanding of the struggles many adults have in caring for traumatised children and helps you feel understood and validated.
It is not easy caring for children with trauma histories and when a book like this come along it provides light at the end of an often very long tunnel. 

This book helps carers make the shift from seeing behaviour as:
Challenging to distressed
What is wrong with you? to What has happened to you?
What are you doing? to What is your behaviour trying to tell me?
and from focusing only on behaviour to wondering about the meaning and the deeper communication.

The uniqueness and value in this book lies not only in the author's obvious knowledge and expertise, but the clear and applicable charts which really do help decipher and translate behaviour into communication. I have my copy beside my bed and refer to it often. This not only helps me, but ensures my adopted children get a more understanding and supportive parent.

 Kevin Denvir
​(Adoptive parent, foster carer and ASN teacher)

Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Traumatised Children
(3rd Edition), Daniel A. Hughes PhD

This highly engaging and insightful book uses the story of Katie, a child at risk and then in foster care to explore the theory and application of Developmental Dyadic Psychotherapy (DDP), both in therapy in in therapeutic care.  Although the characters Hughes introduces us to (especially Katie) are an amalgam of real carers, children and Social Worker that Hughes and other practitioners have known over the years, they are believable.  The Inner World of “Katie” is well described, as is the seemingly endless patience of Jackie, Katie’s fourth foster mum.
​
Through the narrative (novelistic) style, Hughes adopts, we get a revealing outline of blocked trust, blocked care, PACE in action and the process of PACEFUL parenting & therapeutic intervention.  Use of the Social Worker’s own developing relationship & parenting of his first child provides an opportunity for the reader to compare normal developmental pathways of relational styles, with the disordered reactions and thinking of Katie.

Each chapter is full of detailed descriptions of significant incidents followed by a reflective “commentary” section.  This allows the reader to refresh and summarise what has occurred, whilst checking their understanding of the trickier concepts and reviewing their own learning and development of ideas.

The introduction can be read alone as a helpful outline of attachment, why it is important and the role of therapy.  It also provides a helpful overview of the main aspects of attachment, and the important concepts that develop through early care, especially the role of attachment, empathy and intersubjectivity.  It provides a useful definition of trauma and the distinction between PTSD and developmental trauma.

At times the reader feels exhausted alongside the foster carers, especially Jackie, who are struggling to get it right for Katie and this is one of the books strengths – the ability to illustrate how difficult it can be to care for, and keep caring for highly traumatised children.  Although the outcome for Katie might be seen, by some, as too easy, for others it will be seen as an inevitable outcome of the hard work of therapeutic parenting where the aim is to build the bonds of attachment.  The reader never loses sight of wanting things to be better for Katie no matter how challenging she seems, because Hughes has drawn her character and the motivations for her behaviours so well.

Hughes skilfully outlines, through the examples he describes, the need for constant self-reflection on the part of therapeutic carers, including support to explore their own attachment history and the necessity of having access to the support of a therapist who is focused on the development of the relationship between carer and child.  By accompanying Jackie and Katie through their therapy sessions, the focus of the problem is shifted from a “within child” model (and the reader is given an example of this type of therapy in Katie’s first therapist) to a “within relationship” model.  By making the mind shift to seeing the problem located within relationship and knowing how they work, the message of this insightful, highly readable book is one of hope.  Things can change.  Children can be helped and healed.

Lesley Craig
Educational Psychologist
Clackmannanshire Educational Psychology Service.

Parenting with Theraplay®
- Understanding Attachment and How to Nurture a Closer Relationship with Your Child by Vivien Norris and Helen Rodwell.

Forewords by Phyllis Booth and Dafna Lender, illustrated by Miranda Smith

​




I love this book for so many different reasons!  It unpicks Theraplay - a complex, but really useful tool that has been tried and tested in the professional arena.  We see Theraplay introduced for all families wanting to better their relationships, whatever their challenges. It makes it accessible to the key people in children’s lives – their parents, carers, grandparents etc.  It speaks directly to these adults that children need as the “bigger, stronger, wiser and kind” people they can feel safe and connected with.  The book provides just the right amounts of the Theraplay principles of structure, engagement, nurture and challenge in the text and illustrations. This makes the model something we can make our own in our families. 

The first part of the book explains the history, theoretical development and research that underpin Theraplay. It explains why it is needed in some families and how it works. It begins to show why “returning to early and simple ways of playing together is like building up the foundations of your relationship.” Key concepts such as attachment, safe base and emotional regulation are explained, if you want this level of knowledge; likewise, the importance of touch and creating “moments of meeting”. Theraplay is based on what happens in healthy interaction between carers and their infants/babies and the elements that make up these interactions - Structure, Engagement, Nurture and Challenge - are fully explored. Helpfully, each section and each chapter has the same format and is introduced, chunked into bite sized bits and then summarised, so that you can pick out what is useful to you right now. Every section is full of suggestions of what you can do to shift the way you interact with your children. There are scenarios and check lists to help you think about your internal life and that of your children and many ideas about what to do to support your relationships. There are loads of examples of things you can do in daily living situations and well as games for more specific play time. What I found particularly helpful is that while illustrating each relational element and aspect that makes up Theraplay there is as much support for parents – possible ways to practice, to find the way forward, to have their own needs met etc – as advice on how they can support their children.

The second part of the book looks at the stressors of daily living that our children often need help with, whatever their age. It also looks at some of the behaviours that are the outwards signs of our children’s response to these and more complex causes of overwhelming stress. Just how the principles and practice of Theraplay can help address these difficulties are discussed in a warm, empathetic conversational tone. You feel as though the authors are really alongside you and your children.

I think that this book successfully conveys the “being” and the “doing” nature of Theraplay. It gives so many ideas to work on, practice and adapt so that we can get to know so much more about ourselves and our children. It empowers us to find our way to safer, repairable , fun and joyful relationships.

Roberta Manners 
Mother, Adoptive Mother, Grandparent, Certified Theraplay Practioner and Trainer.
 
​
FOR THOSE ATTENDING THE THERAPLAY TRAINING IN EDINBURGH AND THE THERAPLAY CONFERENCE IN LEICESTER IN SEPTEMBER 2017 - THIS BOOK WILL BE AVAILABLE AT A DISCOUNTED PRICE!!!

DON'T MISS 'MEET THE AUTHORS' BOOK SIGNING AT THE THERAPLAY CONFERENCE

Parenting a child who has Experienced Trauma.
​By Dan Hughes with Matthew Blythe
Published by CoramBAAF
​
Dan Hughes defines simple and complex trauma; explains the effects of both and the aims of supportive treatment programmes. This part of the book is tightly packed with vital information to educate parents and advice on how to begin to understand and support their children; particularly those who have experienced complex trauma. Hughes suggests that parents and therapists need to “mentally search for the child under the problems and help that child emerge”. 

By being Playful, Accepting, Curious and Empathetic (PACE) parents can communicate that they love their children “for better or for worse”.  Being and relating in this way helps parents give their children the experience of greater safety, even though their children are wired to distrust them. PACE also enables parents to be “emotionally strong, present, confident and comforting” and able to protect their ability to care. Hughes deals with the differing relational needs that traumatised children are likely to have at different developmental stages of their lives. He also provides a very useful introduction to the educational and social issues traumatised children contend with. Hughes theoretical introduction is complimented by the final section of the book in which Matthew Blythe describes his life as the father of his adopted twin boys. Here we hear how early trauma impacts on the development of each of the boys and how Matthew struggles to understand and support them. Their roller coaster journey together will be familiar to adopters and adoptees as well as full of insight.      

My 21 year old son has also reviewed the book. He says: “As a young adult who has experienced complex trauma, I found the section about the effects of childhood trauma very useful.  It helps explain why I feel the way I do sometimes and why I behave in the way I do sometimes. This information has given me ideas about how to help myself”.

“The chapter on symptoms, prognosis and treatment describes how my early life felt to a point of scary accuracy! The treatment suggestions, based on Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy (PACE) make sense and, if put into practice consistently, work well. However I would say I struggle with the empathetic response that Hughes suggests. I don’t want somebody walking in my shoes with me. I want them beside me, but pushing me on with reassurance. Some people may gain a sense of greater safety from empathy but I do not. That said, the section on helping your child develop internal safety is helpful. It explains that telling someone to ‘forget about it’ or ‘get over it’, is very likely to fail. This is because even as little as a smell or sound can make you feel unsafe/angry/irritated.”

“Some parts of the book seemed obvious to me, however not many people have been through interpersonal trauma. I think the people who will benefit most from this book are teachers, mental health professionals, the police and anyone else working with young people. They all need this knowledge and understanding to get beyond reacting to how young people behave.”

Roberta Manners and HH

The Little Book of Messy Play by Sarah Featherstone

The Little Book of Messy Play has long been a favourite publication for all practitioners involved in the area of early years education.

The book provides a range of suggestions for play using a number of creative methods to engage all the senses. Many of the activities described are useful not only for professionals involved with children but also for parents and carers who are needing inspiration to provide play which entertains and stimulates a range of age groups and abilities. 

The activities included not only promote communication and language skills but also promote gross and fine motor skills and the development of social and emotional skills. Although primarily aimed at 0-5 year olds, I believe the projects are easily adapted and transferable for older children; particularly those who have missed out on key developmental stages and would benefit from the opportunity to ‘catch up’ on early life experiences. The chance to regress and get messy, mucky and dirty can be irresistible and can reignite the inner child in us all.

Our own personal family favourite, which captivated two 2 year old girls, was “Catch a Creature”. We have already discussed our plans to recreate this at the beach and have talked about how we might adapt the concept (my word, not theirs) for Halloween by making scary green and orange jelly complete with edible worms!

My only minor criticism would be the use of a safe outside space is desirable. However, that aside, many of the activities suggested could provide the inspiration for a range of summer projects and could be put to good use at a Family Fun day or organised Summer event. Enjoy!

​Catriona Walker

Keeping the Little Blighters Busy: 50 refreshingly different things to do with your kids before they're 12 3/4 by Claire Potter 

This is a great book to dip into for ideas on how to encourage play, and spend fun time with the children - or set them off and leave them to it!

​Bright and accessible, it gives a range of imaginative activities that cost little or nothing to set up and enjoy, and which are fun and exciting - it is not just another things to do with sticky-backed plastic sort of read.

In fact, it is brilliant book for parents who need more ideas on what to do with their kids and how to encourage imaginative playtime. It is aimed at ages 3-13, though the adults will have as much fun as the kids when joining in on many of the activities. 

The book is divided into sections making it easy to home in on the solution you need, or you can flip through it and pick up something that catches your eye - I particularly liked the “if you like this you could look at page…”  footnotes.

I found the suggestions imaginative but simple to set up, and applicable to all sorts of situations – rainy days at home, creative stuff in the garden, walks in the park or round the neighbourhood, new takes on Halloween and Christmas, all at low or no cost and generally easy to set up.  

The author also give a little bit of background as to how she came up with the idea, which rounds the book out. All in all it was an inspiring and warm hearted read, I will definitely be trying out a few of these activities with my 2 boys.

Ruth F, Adoptive parent

Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders: Parenting a child with an invisible disability by Julia Brown and Dr Mary Mather

I am an adoptive parent of two children who have Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders [FASD] and I would have welcomed this book as a valuable resource when they were first diagnosed.

Chapter 5 is excellent at discussing what does not work with FASD children before discussing what does work in Chapter 6 .

The main learning for parents is to develop and be able to be consistent in a daily routine and provide a structured supervised environment.

The following chapters concentrate on the problems FASD children have sensory processing, eating, temper tantrums and sleep or the lack of sleep.

It gives strategies on how to deal with the behaviours and communication and looks to education, social interactions and the move to independence.

The book highlights that everyone caring for a FASD child must accept there is no cure. This is lifelong disability, and one which must be managed and not solved.

My only slight criticism is that the interaction with the birth families and the emotional trauma they suffered before they came into care was not commented on.  Often these children have lived with their parents for a period of years and they need the opportunity to be nurtured and fill in these missing gaps and heal in their emotional life.

My two are now in their late teens, and the problems and need for care is ongoing as their inability to manage time and money continues.  There is a lack of services once they get past 18 and unawareness of adult social services regarding the lifelong needs of FASD Adults.

However difficult parenting these children can be, the rewards and fulfilment of the task is immense and one I am very glad I undertook.

I recommend this book to any adopters, foster carers and parents of Children with FASD.

Susannah MacKay

8 Keys to Building Your Best Relationships by Daniel A. Hughes

As a relationship counsellor, this book has impressed in the way it distils the roots and processes that so often lead to difficulties and conflict in relationships. It also offers insight and hope for relationships that can be very secure and fulfilling. 

Dan Hughes has translated theoretical concepts making them accessible to a wide audience, including the latest science behind relationships, making it a tool for husbands, wives, friends, lovers, professionals, business people, and parents. It would also add greatly to personal and social development curriculum within schools.

Personally I love models that break things down into smaller steps which build cohesive, integrated meaning. Dan does this really well and has combined his experience and understanding with lots of short case study examples and scenarios to make it easy to appreciate the relevance and importance of 
what he contributes here. As a reader already familiar with attachment theory I found the description of attachment styles much more easily understood and applicable to everyday life. 

Chapter and Key no 1 – Learn Why Attachment Matters lays out clearly the authority and standing of attachment theory, it’s usefulness and ultimately links the patterns of relating found in both children and adults to the behaviour that, when explained so insightfully, makes so much sense.

Key No 2 is - Know your Autobiography and be willing to rewrite it. In this chapter he leads the reader through 10 themes that help establish a stronger sense of who we are and the life factors that have contributed to it. Dan explains how re-experiencing the past can give new meaning and alter the influence these have on our present lives. A conclusion drawn is “….if you’ve been able to make sense of the events in your life – and the nature of your most influential relationships – and then develop a story that is organised and interwoven with different elements, you tend to be in the best position to develop healthy relationships.”

In Key no 3 the important areas of Brain and Biology are explored with reference to prominent researchers. Dan manages to craft explanations which make understanding concepts such as interpersonal neurobiology and social engagement remarkably easy. He gives everyday, credible examples to highlight his ideas which allow the reader to get a felt sense of what he attempts to explain.  It is becoming more and more accepted that neuroscience underpins attachment, and therefore relationships are a part of brain function. A key part of this chapter has to be a summary explanation of Dan’s signature PACE approach using Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy, with poignant examples to support and lay a foundation for how this can and does work in supporting anyone experiencing relationship difficulties.

Key no 4 looks at Building your Reflective Capacity. Here you are invited to consider a range of questions designed to cultivate a conscious presence within relationships. What do relationships mean to me? What am I like in relationships? How do I reflect on others? These questions drill down into more specific questions which tease out what we might be looking for and expecting from our relationships. These questions are designed to increase our awareness of both what we might look for and what we ourselves bring to our relationships.

Key number 5 starts with an example of a young female professional who had difficulties managing her emotions within friendship. This introduces the reader to an interesting chapter called – Build Your Emotional Competence. Here again we get a chance to consider “the mind” and how neuroscience has brought greater understanding of emotions and the complexities of brain function. Dan goes on to explain the wider body systems including the links between our heart and gut which all play a part in felt experience. I found the differentiation between Shame and Guilt useful with great insights into how and why these emotions become established within our emotional self through our early experiences. Looking at how relationships develop provides a helpful way of considering the tensions which ebb and flow in relationships around conflicting emotions and the common causes that lie beneath. Practical exercises support the building of the three characteristics of emotional competence – Knowing what you feel, communicating your feelings and managing your feelings. 

To Master Effective Communication is Key number 6 which looks at reciprocity within the context of taking turns in communication. I like the way Dan describes the pre-requisites of effective communication as an ability to listen and more importantly the ability to stay open and engaged, avoiding defensiveness. This is again well illustrated by examples that help the reader appreciate the different patterns of communication that emerge as relationships grow and change. Developing capacities like saying what you mean and asking for what you want are considered to highlight some subtleties of more effective communication. I love the way the reader is invited to consider the influence of non verbal communication which so often leads to misunderstanding and conflict. Our voice and our physiology often let us down and the examples offered help to understand how this can lead to conflict but also be a very effective part on the solution.

In addressing the reparative work Key No 7 is aptly titled – Tinker and Repair. Accepting that even the healthiest of relationships have problems, and as human beings we will all make mistakes at some point, this chapter looks at what we do, and indeed how we might deal better, when problems arise. The reassurance given around mistakes helps the reader feel OK about personal challenges and experiences.  “People in relationships need to be able to repair whatever conflicts emerge if the relationships are to become truly meaningful and lasting.” Dan goes onto to point out that “Avoiding conflicts leads to a more polite but superficial relationship,” going on to explain what he feels are the fundamental points about relationship tinkering and repair. These are headlined as – Decide if the relationships is more important than the conflict, Remember the importance of the relationship, Remember that assigning blame is counterproductive, Don’t deny or avoid: Address the conflict, Don’t endlessly replay conflict, Remember that behaviour has more than one meaning, Address one conflict at a time and finally Mistakes happen: Say your sorry. Period. In summary our ability to tinker and repair is enhanced when our focus moves towards the opportunity to strengthen our relationships rather than to any risk to its durability when we experience conflicts.

The final Key and Chapter is titled Balance Autonomy with Intimacy. An autonomous attachment, as explained in previous chapters, provides both the safety and satisfaction that promotes balance in relationships. However, to feel fulfilled across your life, that wider awareness needs to reflect that “You are not a passive recipient of your life; you are active in creating it.” All of the work from the previous Keys comes together here to illustrate how knowing yourself and the impact of your story provides the platform for meaning and understanding which grows awareness. The example given in this chapter highlights how relationship difficulties develop. The autonomy which was a factor in the partner’s attraction is readily given up changing the rhythm and dynamics of the relationship beginning a cycle of dependency pushing the other away. The moral of this is that no person can be the source of another’s happiness. It is in the sharing of the uniqueness of two autonomous individuals that rich and fulfilling relationships thrive. This does not mean other relationships can’t last or don’t work but it highlights clearly that they will not be deep and fulfilling. 

In pulling the collection of 8 Keys together Dan has provided a valuable tool for building and maintaining balance in autonomy and intimacy within relationships. In claiming that “Your past relationships do not have to dictate your future relationships”, strategies are offered to increase the meaning of relationships in your life and exercises to help you establish how you may have contributed to past relationships and where you have made relationships difficult. A framework is offered for starting a journal, recording important features of yourself which can be used to promote and preserve your autonomy while allowing space for important relationships to develop and grow. This is further developed with a longer term use of a journal being used to compare and guide us towards sustainable healthy relationships. In the final paragraph Dan reminds us of the importance of being Playful, Accepting, Curious and Empathic to keep us on track with both our relationship with our self and our relationships with others. I thoroughly recommend this book.

Kevin Denvir
Relationship Counsellor

No-Drama Discipline: The whole brain way to calm chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind by Daniel J. Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD  

As a trainer working in the area of attachment and trauma I spend my time talking to parents, teachers and other professionals about connecting with hurt children. While most people can see the need for attunement, empathy and forming positive relationships with insecurely attached children, the issue of discipline is invariably a stumbling block for many. We are so culturally conditioned to thinking about reinforcement as a way of increasing positive and reducing ‘bad’ behaviour that we struggle with the concept of relationship being more transformative than reinforcement. 

“Isn’t that rewarding bad behaviour?” “That’s mollycoddling!”, “How will they learn right from wrong?” are typical responses when you advocate ditching the time outs, star charts and punitive sanctions in favour of validating the feelings behind the behaviour to maintain regulation and encourage reflection. So I was delighted to review No Drama Discipline, which encourages parents to “avoid any discipline approach that is aggressive, inflicts pain, or creates fear or terror.” Readers familiar with Dan Hughes’ parenting attitude will probably have a few bells ringing by now and for me Dan Siegel is right up there with Dan Hughes in providing practical, straightforward and do-able parenting advice. In fact, there is a noticeable overlap between what Siegel, a neurobiologist, and Hughes, a dyadic developmental psychotherapist, advocate in parenting, namely connect with the child to correct the behaviour. Reassuringly, both Siegel and his co-author, psychotherapist, Tina Payne Bryson, are also parents.

So, before we even hit chapter 1, the authors ask us to forget all traditional concepts of discipline and open our minds to a different approach that will not only reap immediate rewards but also encourage children to become more reflective self-disciplined people in the long term. Interestingly, this is a book for all parents, not just those of us who are parenting traumatised children. It’s an example of how approaches, which work with the most difficult-to-parent children gradually, filter into the mainstream. 

Over the next six chapters and throughout the conclusion the authors take the reader on a journey from being a parent/carer/teacher who simply reacts to behaviour to a person who reflects on feelings and redirects the child to alternative ways of expression. They consider the 20 discipline mistakes even great parents make. Unsurprisingly, these include focusing too much on consequences instead of teaching and worrying about what other people think (who hasn’t been there?). Siegel references his famous hand model of the brain, which teaches children about their upstairs (cortex) and downstairs (mid and brainstem) parts of the brain and what it really means to flip your lid. He also discusses how we encourage what he has branded mindsight (empathy 
and reflection) in children. The book is peppered with simple, yet useful cartoons illustrating examples of good and not so good parenting responses and bursting with examples of what it means to be consistent yet flexible, validating rather than dismissive, and curious rather than lecturing, criticising or blaming. throughout it all, the authors are adamant that good discipline follows eight key principles: 
1. Discipline is essential. Children need clear, consistent boundaries
2. Effective discipline depends on a loving respectful adult – child relationship
3. Discipline means teach, not punish
4. We need to pay attention to the child’s feelings – misbehaving is usually about not handling big feelings very well.
5. Children need us most when they are behaving at their worst
6. We need to regulate children before they are ready to learn
7. We regulate through connecting and comforting
8. When children feel the comfort and connection they are more ready to take redirection.

It’s simple in essence, but it is hard to do this stuff all the time. Even the greatest parents get tired, hungry, ill, fed up and sick of it all and we tend to behave childishly when we don’t get our own needs met. Both authors acknowledge this and offer some examples of how they got it so horribly wrong with their own children. It’s brave of them to admit and there is a curious comfort in thinking, “hmm if Dan Siegel can lose his temper and swear I can’t be doing too badly.”

This is a book I would recommend for parents, carers, childminders, teachers, youth leaders, in fact anyone working with children and young people. It is authoritative, accessible, realistic and caring. Its not brilliantly written and it could probably be a bit shorter without losing anything of real value but as a book dedicated to discipline, its probably one of the best I’ve come across. 

Sheila Lavery

Review

'Attachment in Common Sense and Doodles: A Practical Guide' (2013)
by Miriam Silver

With so many books about Attachment already available, Miriam Silver had a hard task in writing something different!  She achieves this, apparently effortlessly, with this well-written and accessible book, based both on theory and on her considerable experience as a clinician.

The book starts off perhaps a little tentatively, with well-known explanations and diagrams of attachment theory and a reminder about the need for not only children, but also adults, to have a safe base.  The author gives a helpful chapter on “why attachment matters” and the impact of poor early care.  Where she starts to into her own, however, is in providing opportunities for self-reflection, through small exercises which are interspersed throughout the book.  These exercises encourage us to reflect on our own attachment patterns, those of the children we care for or work with and the reciprocal impact.

As you delve further into this gem of a book, you find many insights into the behaviour of children with attachment difficulties and their carers’ reactions.  For example, in looking at the possibility that a “blow out” may create familiarity for a child, the author also reminds carers to be aware of their own physiological response: you can’t contain a child’s feelings if you are feeling angry yourself. The book could have stopped here but Miriam Silver bravely addresses the tendency for professionals to label children who come with challenging presentations and encourages us to think widely about the possible combination of organic and acquired difficulties.  

The second half of the book looks at parenting styles and the core qualities of the therapeutic parent, including Dan Hughes’ PLACE (Playful, Loving, Acceptance, Curious, Empathic).  The author addresses the deep shame which many children with traumatic pasts carry about themselves, their triggers from the past and how to help them to change the story which they have about themselves. This is a book which draws you in!  The language is very accessible and the text is accompanied by “doodles” drawn by Teg Landsell, which are very helpful.  

The book is intended for carers or professionals who are dealing with children who have been placed away from their birth parents after early trauma, neglect or abuse.  Miriam Silver’s objective was “provide a fresh approach… in an accessible form”.  In this she succeeds admirably and I commend this book wholeheartedly to foster carers, adoptive parents and to those working with them. 

*****  star rating   
Heather M Drysdale 
Systemic Psychotherapist/Adoption and Fostering Consultant