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for those living or working with the impact of trauma

Christine Gordon

27/4/2020

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​Many of you will have heard of the untimely death of Christine Gordon in Costa Rica on March 10th 2020. We were shocked and very sad to hear this news at CairnsMoir Connections.

Christine was well known for her decades of support to families who fostered or adopted traumatised children. She was a co-founder of Family Futures Consortium in London, and the founder of Adapt Scotland working alongside Karen Wallace.

Christine was a great friend and supporter of CairnsMoir Connections. We were proud to promote and sell books authored by her. We assisted her in the self publishing of her final book ‘Adapting Approaches’ which was then published by Jessica Kingsley Publications as ‘Parenting Strategies to help adopted and fostered children with their behaviour.’

All three of us have fond memories of Christine:

Fiona - I have known Christine for over 20 years, she was part of a group of pioneering adoptive parents whose knowledge of attachment and trauma was way ahead of the times. She was unstinting in her support for children and their families, always finding innovative ways of working. I worked with her professionally setting up a Parent Mentoring project in Scotland over a decade ago and learnt so much from her. Christine was also a great support to our family. Over the years she supported us collectively and individually, always with compassion, great wisdom and always including fun, she will be remembered by us as a warrior. Christine was a force of nature, passionate and enthusiastic in everything she did, her love of life shone through. Our family will miss her so much, as will the countless other families who she supported over the years.

Barbara - I first met Christine in the year 2000 at a Lothian Adopters Group support meeting where she was the speaker for the evening. Christine’s passion for supporting adopters and their families shone through that night. Little did I know that that evening would lead to a twenty year friendship with Christine supporting our family throughout the years. Christine’s zest for life was an inspiration and we as a family will miss her greatly.

Corinne - My first pearls of wisdom came from Christine before I had even adopted. I was advised to speak to her about a possible match, and gain insight into the needs of a child who had experienced trauma in early life. When the time was right I adopted a daughter, and then another. Our family will remember Christine's presence at activities held in the adoptive community in Scotland which became part of our new family traditions. To my girls she will always be "tombola lady".

Christine lived life to the full, climbing, cycling, and travelling the world, with many of her adventures immortalised in her YouTube channel. Christine was a unique individual, and her legacy lives on in the lives of all the families she helped to repair. We send our condolences to all her family and friends.

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Book of the Month April 2020 - The Power of Showing Up

1/4/2020

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The Power of Showing Up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. 

By Dan J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
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I was asked to review this book just as the COVID-19 lockdown was kicking in.  A social worker “to trade”,  I currently work as a Support for Learning Assistant in a local Primary School with children presenting with attachment and trauma related issues and children with autism. 

So when the schools closed, I thought I would have loads of time – however, with my own children at home, my husband also a key worker and our Education Department providing “learning at home” opportunities, time has not been on my side!!

However, reading this book has been a very welcome, and indeed comforting, distraction during such a strange and worrying time when connections, physical, emotional and “virtual” have become more important than ever.  When spending time at home with my children who are also feeling anxious, has meant I have become far more aware of how I am responding, reassuring and being mind minded – showing up for them.

Reading this book has helped me to reflect on my own parenting of my children, making sense of my own experiences and how these have shaped and influenced my attachment style and coping strategies and how these in turn have shaped my children and my relationships.  It is an optimistic book which says “you can do this” and I could actually hear Dan Siegel’s friendly voice as I read through the pages!

The book opens with what it means to “Show Up” and explains with clarity what is meant by the Four S’s (Safe, Seen, Soothed, Secure).  It goes on to explore what happens when parents don’t show up and, without using any incomprehensible jargon, enlightens us about the science of Attachment in a way which sets the scene for the rest of the book.  The Four S’s – Safe, Seen, Soothed, Secure are then assigned a chapter each to explain what happens when parents show up to provide these in a predictable, attuned way and also what the impact on children and adults is when this doesn’t happen.

Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson use neuroscience and attachment research as the basis for the book.  They share with the reader in a way which is easy to makes sense of,  what is meant by a secure and an insecure attachment and effectively describe the categories of attachment – Secure, Avoidant, Ambivalent, Disorganised – highlighting and explaining the causes, meaning and implications of each.   This provides a platform for the reader from which then to make sense of the Four S’s set out in each of the following chapters.

The Four S’s provide a concise, helpful and easy to understand “summary” of attachment research – not an easy task given the breadth of research, books and articles written over the years – but somehow Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson have indeed managed successfully to do this in a way which is easily accessible to parents, carers and indeed anyone involved in supporting and working with children and young people – and also adults who may struggle as a result of the impact of their early experiences.  The Four S’s are the building blocks of healthy development.

The book is full of helpful visual reminders and diagrams which illustrate what is explained throughout the text.  As a visual learner, I found this extremely helpful.  Throughout the book, themes are repeated in a beneficial way e.g. the importance of children feeling safe, seen and soothed and examples of what this looks like.  Reminders within each section pulling you back to the attachment research.   This “repetition” is helpful as it pulls all the themes together.   All Four S’s are pulled together in the final chapter which focuses on security.

One of the things I like about this book is that it repeatedly reminds parents that we are none of us perfect – nor do we need to be.   It is encouraging in that it highlights that it is impossible to get it right all the time and acknowledges that we all get it wrong.  The emphasis is on the balance that most of the time we are getting in right,  creating a predictable experience and world for our children.  It also provides the strategy of repairing things and apologising when we get it wrong – and that this in itself is an opportunity for building security and trust in our children.   Importantly, we are told this does not mean “spoiling” our children, letting them off with things, “being soft”, being permissive – that we can be attuned and connected and show up in a way which still keeps children safe.

There are explanations throughout the book about how the brain works in terms of areas of the brain, how these interact, and how these are impacted by the responses of parents, how the areas integrate and how this integration is the key to our health and happiness as adults.   There are numerous explanations around how we internalise our experiences of being parented.

I also like the way that the book tells us how to “show up” consistently for our children whether they are experiencing success or failures.  How we can provide safety, ensure they are seen and provide soothing, even when we are saying “no”.

An important theme throughout the book is that even those adults who have not had a positive experience in our own childhood of being safe, seen, soothed and secure, can successfully provide this for our own children.  We don’t have to repeat what we experienced.  The writers explain optimistically that providing we can make sense of our own experiences, however negative, that we can reflect on our past and understand how the absence or unpredictability of these building blocks impacted on our own mental model, we can then build positive attachments and can show up for our own children ensuring their development is healthy.   We can become attuned to our own children’s needs, emotions, feelings and thoughts.  

I think this book will be quite a revelation to some parents and carers and professionals reading it, specifically making sense of their own past, their own childhood experiences – there are questions at the end of each chapter which serve to make us think about our own experiences, our parenting of our own children and what we might do differently.  The authors explanation that the way we adhere to the Four S’s shapes not only our children’s’ emotional development but actually physically wires their brains, is fairly mind-blowing (though not alarming!)... but at the same time, makes so much sense and provides irrefutable evidence and examples of the importance of consistently and reliably being present – showing up – for our children in a way which allows them to thrive and get through life’s tough stuff.

As someone who feels I have a “relatively” good understanding of attachment and trauma (and also someone who appreciate a jargon-free text!),  I found this book well written with clearly explained themes, science and research.  It has condensed a huge amount of research into a clear and concise text.  This is a grounded, reader-friendly, optimistic and encouraging read, and most importantly, is easily accessible for parents and carers.  I would thoroughly recommend this book for all parents, carers and anyone involved in working with or supporting children and young people.

I thought I would just include this quote - from the page of the book just before the Contents page, as I feel it reflects these times:-
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together...
There is something you must always remember.
You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem,
And smarter than you think.  But the most important thing is,
Even if we’re apart ...... I’ll always be with you.
- Christopher Robin to Winnie-the-Pooh (Pooh’s Grand Adventure)

Shona Thain
Support for Learning Assistant (and former Social Worker of 25 years)

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  • Home
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