The Strange and Curious Guide to Trauma by Sally Donovan

From a personal viewpoint as an adoptive parent, coming to an understanding of the potential impact of trauma on a child’s emotional and social development was crucial if I was to meet my children’s needs. 

Subsequently, the desire to somehow share that understanding with my children and help them appreciate where their behaviours may be coming from also became a goal.  If only this skilfully told story by Sally Donovan had been around a few years ago!
 

Cleverly illustrated and formatted, Donovan’s latest story, aimed at 8 to 12 year olds, provides the perfect vehicle through which to gently explain and highlight the key concepts around trauma and attachment.  From Wendy the ‘wonky’ carrot to Courtney Cortisol, a number of likeable characters are used playfully yet also as representations of serious aspects in trauma-informed approaches. They are weaved through the story of Ordinary Jo as we witness how he reacts to his encounter with a Baboon on Baboon Tuesday.  Indeed it is the careful blending of the actual words (trauma, adrenaline, amygdala etc.) with characterisations and names which makes this book so accessible and powerful. 

​Trauma is such an overused word yet a concept which is often not fully understood in all its complexity.  Here it is not disguised nor oversimplified, rather it is broken down tactfully and presented in chunks which can be easily understood by young people.  Use of the correct terminology, albeit in an age-appropriate manner, is important if we are to begin the process of fully informing our young people about their brains.
 
Donovan also takes us back to early childhood as she describes how babies’ brains develop.  Lego is used as a metaphor here in one of the many nods to children and young people’s realities which make this story so relatable.  Images support the writing extremely well and there is clever use of fonts to reinforce key messages.  There are ‘remembering boxes’ and bullet points as well as a comprehensive and succinctly expressed list of possible behaviours of trauma-experienced children. 
 
Undoubtedly, children and adults alike will learn much from this short story into our ‘inside life’.  As Donovan states, we are ‘team human’ and it is about time that we realise that learning about trauma is indeed a ‘superpower’.  

Reviewed by Christine Hadfield

Tiny Spark of Hope: Healing Childhood Trauma in Adulthood by Kim Golding and Alexia Jones  

This is a very beautiful, vulnerable and brave story of healing.  Kim and Alexia together weave this story and the stories Kim writes through the therapy form the story within the story, bringing the process alive with imagery and narrative.

Alexia brings the ‘spark of hope’ with her as she seeks out Kim, a figure from her childhood who really saw her when others could not.  Kim holds this spark so carefully with her acceptance and her empathy and this part of their journey begins.

Alexia’s courage, openness and determination to do this journey flows through the pages.  She brings to life the ups and downs of the therapy journey and the realisation and eventual acceptance that we will not be ‘fixed’ by this journey.  I am so grateful to you, Alexia, for sharing your path with us and I have no doubt that this book will bring healing and connection for many who also walk a path that is similar to your own.

I recently heard Irving Yalom speak about his career and how important writing has always been to him.  He spoke about it being part of what helped him with his work and his desire to understand.  Kim’s art of narrative and desire to share what she has learnt feels to me that it resonates with my understanding of Yalom’s words about his writing.

Kim openly explores her hesitation with starting individual work with Alexia not having received a formal training in an individual psychotherapeutic approach.  She is encouraged to call on the DDP model to help inform her work, a model she is so very familiar with.  When I started to learn about DDP I was struck by how the work of Carl Rogers seemed to weave through all aspects of the model.  Dr. Dan Hughes had created a way of facilitating an environment where safety could be created between the therapist, the parent and the child.  An environment that could be gradually taken by the parent and the child back onto their own home.   Much like a blanket of empathy, unconditional positive regard and congruence for Carl Rogers or, in the language of DDP, Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy  (PACE).

Kim allows herself to become the kind person, guided by DDP, to come alongside Alexia to walk with her on her journey.  Kim helps us to see how the dyadic aspect of DDP means that there is a structure within which another very significant other can join the journey Alexia and Kim are on.  It allows the environment in which Alexia’s day to day life continues to be very much a part of the therapy.  This  ability to bring significant others into the work feels so very important for the adult who experienced early neglect and developmental trauma.  I am not aware enough of whether other approaches are able to incorporate the significant others into someones therapy, it was not recommended during my own integrative Counselling Training and for good reason.  But in finishing this book it struck me that Kim used DDP to help guide her into a beautiful piece of interpersonal and integrative therapy and introduces us to how DDP could help guide individual psychotherapists into working with a clients wider network.

This is a gift of a book for me as it brings two of my worlds together, that of DDP Practitioner and Psychotherapeutic Counsellor.  I will be recommending it to the professionals in both sides of my working life as well as some of my clients at the right time.

Thank you.

Anna Binnie-Dawson
Occupational Therapist (RCOT), Psychotherapeutic Counsellor (UKCP) and DDP Practitioner, Consultant and Trainer (DDPi)

Working with Relational Trauma in Schools: An Educator's Guide to Using Dyadic Developmental Practice 
(Guides to Working with Relational Trauma Using DDP) by Louise Michelle Bombèr (Author), Kim Golding (Author), Sian Phillips (Author), Dan Hughes (Foreword)

A collaboration between practitioners of such esteem as Kim Golding, Sian Phillips and Louise Bomber cannot fail to grab the attention of anyone who seeks to learn more about developmental trauma. 



​The first of a planned series examining how DDP (Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy) principles can be applied in different settings, this book is a welcome addition to the growing literature on how schools and educators address the needs of vulnerable pupils.  The focus on the theory and practices associated with DDP and how these may be applied by school staff is timely and informative. 

The authors very much focus on educators rather than just teachers as they are keen proponents of the team pupil approach, something which is crucial if trauma-informed approaches are to become embedded in whole school practice and ethos.  The premise of the book is that educators are not therapists, nor should they be expected to be, but that using the principles of DDP and accepting them as a ‘way of being’ is essential if we are to address the needs of our vulnerable pupils.  It is enlightening, then, that the educator remains at the heart of the theory explored in the book.

Chapters 1 to 3 introduce some key concepts providing theory in typically easy-to-access manner.  We learn about blocked trust, the reasons behind it but, most importantly here, how it can impact on a daily basis within the classroom.  Intersubjectivity and the powerful, though often overlooked, consequences of shame are discussed in chapter 2 and, again, they are skilfully related to what happens between educator and pupil.  Where the writing is interspersed with specific examples it is most impactful as we find ourselves recognising behaviours we may have encountered in our own experience. Moving on to how we may address these behaviours, chapter 3 looks at building connections encouraging educators to be ‘trust builders’ and ‘emotional detectives’.  The analogy of the river of integration in which we are tasked with remaining open, engaged and flexible is a useful one while the section on mind-mindedness reminds us of the skills we can all develop. 
​
Many readers of this book will be familiar with the need for PACE (playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy) in our interactions with young people but chapter 4 goes beyond simple information-giving and prompts us to consider how we demonstrate and live PACE as a philosophy rather than label it as a set of strategies.  Like driving a car, the authors write, each of the skills involved are crucial parts of an even more significant ‘whole’.  Similarly, it is not something that can be learned overnight.  Chapter 5 provides a very useful set of frequently asked questions which heads of service might find helpful for training purposes.  Chapter 6 looks on the surface like a collection of ideas but here we consider, amongst other areas, the use of praise and rewards with vulnerable children.  The language used throughout is about ‘supporting’ behaviour rather than ‘managing’ it and practices are critiqued constructively with very clear and thoughtful advice provided. 

Chapters 7 to 10 offer further practical advice but steer clear of doomed-to-fail ‘tips for teachers’ instead asking us to consider how we may adapt our mindsets and predominant modus operandi in order to build relationships, create safe learning environments and become authoritative educators.   That said, the consistent message remains that this is no easy or simple task and that the challenges faced when trying to do this can be immense.  The authors accept that all of this is often easier said than done and they are clear that educators need time, self-compassion and support from colleagues.  Far from being a supplementary thought, as is often the case, this point is reiterated in particular with chapters 11 and 12 where we are asked to consider our own attachment patterns and how we may look after ourselves.  

It is here where this book excels.  That is, the authors have managed to steer clear of the sometimes idealistic-sounding advice that educators get and produce a work that acknowledges the challenges, places the educator at the centre and offers sensitive, practical and realistic guidance. The interlacing of examples illustrates both how common and understandable it is to ‘get it wrong’ as well as how scenarios may be approached differently.  Ideas are presented concisely and a number of broad strategies, like ‘follow-lead-follow’ and ‘rupture-repair’, are clear and difficult to contest.  Practitioners with some knowledge of DDP and PACE as well as those who are beginning this particular journey will both benefit from this work.  A highly recommended read!

Dr Christine Hadfield
Lecturer in Teacher Education at the University of Glasgow.  
I worked as a secondary school teacher in England for 10 years before becoming an adoptive mum, moving home to Glasgow and educating myself in all things attachment and trauma.  I now work at the School of Education, University of Glasgow where I teach Modern Languages and Health and Wellbeing. 

The Little Book of Attachment: 
Theory to Practice in Child Mental Health With Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy 
​by Daniel Hughes and Ben Gurney-Smith

In ‘The little book of attachment’, Dan Hughes and Ben Gurney-Smith carefully consider the relevance of attachment theory and research for practitioners working in child mental health. 

They notice how understanding attachment theory and the importance of relationships can bring an extra dimension to formulation, diagnosis, and treatment of mental health difficulties within children. They emphasise that this goes beyond recognising children with difficulties of attachment and finding interventions that can reduce these difficulties. It is a recognition that children who do not experience security of attachment can be left with core difficulties in trusting and feeling safe in relationships, regulating emotions and reflecting on experience. These developmental areas, associated with attachment, are critical for emotional well-being and development and therefore can usefully inform how we intervene to help children who present with mental health difficulties. 

Much research, described in this book, has highlighted therapist variables as a more accurate predictor of outcome than mode of intervention. Here Dan and Ben present a powerful discussion of why this might be so. Therapist qualities such as building a therapeutic alliance, empathy, recognising and repairing ruptures, affirmation and holding clients with positive regard are the very same relational qualities that parents bring to parenting a child with a secure attachment. Dan and Ben propose that ‘if we utilize the qualities of human relationships, found in secure attachment, we might begin to enhance the developmental outcomes attachment theory would predict as being important to mental health; named here as the developmental triad of safety and trust, regulation and reflection.’

Dan and Ben are clinicians and they bring all their clinical experience into helping us to translate these ideas into practice. They draw upon Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy as one example of a therapy that has a relational approach central to the intervention and which actively uses principles derived from Attachment Theory in the therapy. This approach helps families to work towards developing their child’s trust in reciprocal relationships which in turn can help them to develop the emotional and reflective skills needed to both experience attachment security and to move towards improved mental health and emotional well-being. The book is illustrated with many examples of DDP interventions, providing a very practical focus to understanding the ideas being discussed.

This book is called ‘The little book of attachment’. I think it is misnamed. Although the book is little, the ideas within it are huge and have profound implications for the practice of child mental health. All clinicians working with children and families will recognise the importance of understanding the attachment relationship. As one clinician once told me: ‘it always comes down to the attachment stories in the end.’ Our early attachment relationships impact on us in many ways developing both our resilience and our vulnerabilities. By attending to these relational qualities in the therapy room, and within the families, we can only enhance the interventions we use, from whichever model we are comfortable working within. As a DDP practitioner myself, I am persuaded of the benefits of DDP as a relational model of therapy which is helpful for children who have experienced developmental trauma in their lives. Within this book we are invited to broaden our thinking to consider how this, or similar approaches to therapy, can enhance our interventions for all children and families who have been touched by poor mental health and reduced emotional well-being. In doing this there is no ‘throwing the baby out with the bath water’, such an approach to intervention can add an extra dimension to the therapies currently on offer.

I recommend this book to all practitioners interested in improving children’s mental health. It will not necessarily change your practice, but it will enhance it. In bringing relationship to the fore, our interventions will be more successful. We are relational beings, living in a relational world. Attending to relationships within our therapy has to make sense.
​
As I ‘tweeted’ when I first read this book: ‘Thanks to Dan and Ben for this gem of a ‘little’ book. Like a Tardis it is bigger on the inside!’

Kim Golding, Clinical Psychologist, DDP trainer and author
August 2020

The Handbook of Therapeutic Care for Children: Evidence-Informed Approaches to Working with Traumatized Children and Adolescents in Foster, Kinship and Adoptive Care. Edited by Janise Mitchell, Joe Tucci and Ed Tronick.  Foreword by Stephen W. Porges.

I began reading this book as an Educational Psychologist currently working towards both DDP Practitioner and Neurosequential Model in Education Trainer status & having completed Parent Child Therapy training many moons ago. So, it should come as no surprise when I say that this book gave me deep, deep joy and had my neurons firing & wiring together & may have lead me to reach Peak Geek.

Porges begins by reminding us from the outset that Therapeutic Care incorporates not only a respect for the child, but a respect for their physiological state.  He talks of how this biological state is  the intervening variable in the  ‘opening or closing the (child’s) portal for trust & co-regulation’ and ‘ this will either facilitate the child feeling safe & trusting of others or become defensive & bias the nervous system to detect risk, even when there is no risk in the environment.’ 

Tucci, Mitchell & Tronick then take on the mantle of guiding us through this new paradigm – the principles of Therapeutic Care – the ways in which we help traumatised children to feel ‘biologically’ safe and how we navigate the complexities of all that this entails. While emphasising the primary importance of biological safety, the authors do not shy away from how this interacts with poverty, culture, power and organisational behaviour e.g. in Kickett, Chandran & Mitchell’s Learning from the experiences of Culturally Strong Therapeutic Care for Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islander Children and in Farmer & Kiraly’s exploration of the experiences of children in Kinship Care. 

Here, in one volume both the science and the art of supporting children to recover from developmental trauma is outlined. A crystal clear framework for practice lies within. I read it muttering to myself ‘Yes!! 100% this is what we do! A Therapeutic Specialist?? Never heard of that in this context but OF COURSE we can be.’  (Therapeutic Care expands the role of therapist to become relational brokers, network enablers & systems advocates for children in out of home care) The text gives life and a coherent framework to the many emerging & inter-related evidence based approaches to supporting children with developmental trauma. It pulls them together into a cohesive whole and is a seminal text for anyone and everyone involved in the hopeful endeavour that is being with children who have experienced developmental trauma. Unusually, it is both highly academic in its accessible theory and evidence, and practical with examples of real life approaches and of the framework applied in different ways in different settings. 

One of the text’s greatest strengths is the way in which it outlines a whole system approach: that healing is both brain based & relationally based in the ‘experience that occurs in the micro opportunities of the every day’ and that these experiences are rooted in the formation of trust, safety and relational practice across the totality of people who the child interacts with.  It takes a village, but it takes an organised, coordinated, well-regulated village immune to vicarious trauma & blocked care that is able to remain regulated. But hey, if the village slips up, the paradigm gives us some acceptance and self-compassion that allows us to pick ourselves up and get back to supporting each other in order that we can support the child. The approach enables relationships, thinks over the long term, pays cognisance to each individual child’s set of needs and pattern of developmental risk and strengths. It considers the physical and sensory environment and it cares for the caregivers, resourcing the network of relationships around the child to allow the child’s felt sense of safety to develop.  

Teicher & Munkhbaatar’s chapter on understanding the importance, type and timing of maltreatment on brain development and developmental risk was simply mind blowing, their emphasis on adaptive neural plasticity and the snakes and ladders impact of differing types of abuse and neglect at different developmental stages on different sexes was absolutely fascinating & has real implications for intervention. It is then later followed up with Perry’s chapter on a developmentally sensitive, neuro-scientifically informed approach to clinical problem-solving with its wonderful, hopeful reminder of the power of relationships:  ‘the best predictor of current functioning in youth is current relational health, not adversity’ and how its the ‘therapeutic web’ of relationships that lead to positive change & that felt sense of biological safety.  Later still, Malchiodi, gives us a highly practical guide to using the creative arts in keeping with Perry’s chapter on the brain’s need for somato-sensory regulation.

Both Schore and Hughes & Baylin in their chapters write beautifully about the humanity of love, inter-subjectivity an attachment.  Schore expands on Fromm’s work, looking at what we now know about our neurobiology and that our ‘motherly (carer’s) love makes the child feel: it’s good to have been born; it instils in the child the love for life and not merely the wish to still be alive…Mother’s love for life is as infectious as her anxiety’. In this way, we begin to understand the coping mechanisms children have learned to survive adversity – they have developed ‘mistrusting brains’ adaptively prioritising protection over connection. One of the primary goals of therapeutic care is to gently, sensitively and respectfully provide developmentally appropriate experiences, in every day interactions, across multiple settings, to allow these neural connections to reconfigure, allowing the child to experience  relational connection and feel and know the beauty of unconditional love. In Golding’s chapter, building on Hughes & Baylin’s work, both the reality & the humanity of healing that can take place are explored in an adoptive family when we keep in mind the principles of Therapeutic Care and principally DDP to affect longitudinal change. 

Throughout the book, Tucci, Mitchell & Tronick, sensitively offer us Practice Reflections from each chapter, weaving the thread of the principles of Therapeutic Care throughout and facilitating our learning. This is without a doubt a book that I will go back to and read time and time again, that will help me cement my practice and that of our team. It’s a book that made me proud to be a part of such a vibrant, hopeful and child centred area of work and reinforced both my belief in the power of relationships to affect change and my complete respect for children and the myriad of ways their neurobiology helps them adapt to promote their survival. This is a seminal text that helps us all become better informed as to how we might best help the children we support, love, care for and educate to move from survive to thrive. While predominantly focussed on Care Settings, there is so much in the chapters that those of us in education can apply to our interactions with the children in our care. It is a must read for everyone involved in enacting The Promise from the Care Review in Scotland.  And, as an Educational Psychologist I’m hopeful that a second tome follows, applying these same principles to a different setting to help expand that therapeutic web: The Handbook of Therapeutic Education ❤️ 

Ruth Miller 
​Depute Principal Educational Psychologist.  
East Ayrshire Psychological Services.

The Power of Showing Up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. 

By Dan J Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
​
I was asked to review this book just as the COVID-19 lockdown was kicking in.  A social worker “to trade”,  I currently work as a Support for Learning Assistant in a local Primary School with children presenting with attachment and trauma related issues and children with autism. 

So when the schools closed, I thought I would have loads of time – however, with my own children at home, my husband also a key worker and our Education Department providing “learning at home” opportunities, time has not been on my side!!

However, reading this book has been a very welcome, and indeed comforting, distraction during such a strange and worrying time when connections, physical, emotional and “virtual” have become more important than ever.  When spending time at home with my children who are also feeling anxious, has meant I have become far more aware of how I am responding, reassuring and being mind minded – showing up for them.

Reading this book has helped me to reflect on my own parenting of my children, making sense of my own experiences and how these have shaped and influenced my attachment style and coping strategies and how these in turn have shaped my children and my relationships.  It is an optimistic book which says “you can do this” and I could actually hear Dan Siegel’s friendly voice as I read through the pages!

The book opens with what it means to “Show Up” and explains with clarity what is meant by the Four S’s (Safe, Seen, Soothed, Secure).  It goes on to explore what happens when parents don’t show up and, without using any incomprehensible jargon, enlightens us about the science of Attachment in a way which sets the scene for the rest of the book.  The Four S’s – Safe, Seen, Soothed, Secure are then assigned a chapter each to explain what happens when parents show up to provide these in a predictable, attuned way and also what the impact on children and adults is when this doesn’t happen.

Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson use neuroscience and attachment research as the basis for the book.  They share with the reader in a way which is easy to makes sense of,  what is meant by a secure and an insecure attachment and effectively describe the categories of attachment – Secure, Avoidant, Ambivalent, Disorganised – highlighting and explaining the causes, meaning and implications of each.   This provides a platform for the reader from which then to make sense of the Four S’s set out in each of the following chapters.

The Four S’s provide a concise, helpful and easy to understand “summary” of attachment research – not an easy task given the breadth of research, books and articles written over the years – but somehow Dan Siegel and Tina Bryson have indeed managed successfully to do this in a way which is easily accessible to parents, carers and indeed anyone involved in supporting and working with children and young people – and also adults who may struggle as a result of the impact of their early experiences.  The Four S’s are the building blocks of healthy development.

The book is full of helpful visual reminders and diagrams which illustrate what is explained throughout the text.  As a visual learner, I found this extremely helpful.  Throughout the book, themes are repeated in a beneficial way e.g. the importance of children feeling safe, seen and soothed and examples of what this looks like.  Reminders within each section pulling you back to the attachment research.   This “repetition” is helpful as it pulls all the themes together.   All Four S’s are pulled together in the final chapter which focuses on security.

One of the things I like about this book is that it repeatedly reminds parents that we are none of us perfect – nor do we need to be.   It is encouraging in that it highlights that it is impossible to get it right all the time and acknowledges that we all get it wrong.  The emphasis is on the balance that most of the time we are getting in right,  creating a predictable experience and world for our children.  It also provides the strategy of repairing things and apologising when we get it wrong – and that this in itself is an opportunity for building security and trust in our children.   Importantly, we are told this does not mean “spoiling” our children, letting them off with things, “being soft”, being permissive – that we can be attuned and connected and show up in a way which still keeps children safe.

There are explanations throughout the book about how the brain works in terms of areas of the brain, how these interact, and how these are impacted by the responses of parents, how the areas integrate and how this integration is the key to our health and happiness as adults.   There are numerous explanations around how we internalise our experiences of being parented.

I also like the way that the book tells us how to “show up” consistently for our children whether they are experiencing success or failures.  How we can provide safety, ensure they are seen and provide soothing, even when we are saying “no”.

An important theme throughout the book is that even those adults who have not had a positive experience in our own childhood of being safe, seen, soothed and secure, can successfully provide this for our own children.  We don’t have to repeat what we experienced.  The writers explain optimistically that providing we can make sense of our own experiences, however negative, that we can reflect on our past and understand how the absence or unpredictability of these building blocks impacted on our own mental model, we can then build positive attachments and can show up for our own children ensuring their development is healthy.   We can become attuned to our own children’s needs, emotions, feelings and thoughts.  

I think this book will be quite a revelation to some parents and carers and professionals reading it, specifically making sense of their own past, their own childhood experiences – there are questions at the end of each chapter which serve to make us think about our own experiences, our parenting of our own children and what we might do differently.  The authors explanation that the way we adhere to the Four S’s shapes not only our children’s’ emotional development but actually physically wires their brains, is fairly mind-blowing (though not alarming!)... but at the same time, makes so much sense and provides irrefutable evidence and examples of the importance of consistently and reliably being present – showing up – for our children in a way which allows them to thrive and get through life’s tough stuff.

As someone who feels I have a “relatively” good understanding of attachment and trauma (and also someone who appreciate a jargon-free text!),  I found this book well written with clearly explained themes, science and research.  It has condensed a huge amount of research into a clear and concise text.  This is a grounded, reader-friendly, optimistic and encouraging read, and most importantly, is easily accessible for parents and carers.  I would thoroughly recommend this book for all parents, carers and anyone involved in working with or supporting children and young people.

I thought I would just include this quote - from the page of the book just before the Contents page, as I feel it reflects these times:-
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together...
There is something you must always remember.
You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem,
And smarter than you think.  But the most important thing is,
Even if we’re apart ...... I’ll always be with you.
- Christopher Robin to Winnie-the-Pooh (Pooh’s Grand Adventure)

Shona Thain
Support for Learning Assistant (and former Social Worker of 25 years)

Help! My feelings Are Too Big!
​Making Sense of Yourself and the World After a Difficult Start in Life by K.L.Aspden
 
Help! My feelings Are Too Big! Making Sense of Yourself and the World After a Difficult Start in Life is an easily accessible book which talks directly to young people and not about them. 

Written from their perspective, it navigates around the topics of attachment in a sensitive manner, being careful not to allocate blame or fault. 

It feels as though the reader is taken by the hand and walked through the book providing clear and simple explanations as to why they may struggle with regulating their emotions and behaviour because of their early experiences.  The basics of attachment theory develops through two fictional case studies.  The comparative stories of a child who develops a secure attachment and a child who develops an insecure attachment and how this plots your emotional trajectory is a useful way to illustrate how young people develop their ability to regulate their emotions and behaviours.  This book provides an explanation as to why young people might feel the way they do, providing a potential ‘light bulb’ moment as they recognise and understand their own emotional development.

Starting with early experiences and moving onto school experiences, the author describes what lies behind behaviour and uses appropriate examples and effective illustrations to do this. The book contains a handy section about the brain with reference to specific parts and their functions, which complements the explanation of behaviour.  It talks about feelings and normalises big emotions. It goes on to helpfully suggests realistic and achievable steps to make relational links with adults who can help and tasks to help alter how you feel about yourself. 

This colourful and attractive book covers a lot but does not use scary language or labels; instead it provides explanations in a calm, non threatening, well paced, sensitive manner.  It presents the information in large text interjected with text boxes, bullet points and illustrations allowing the reader to work through the book easily or dip in and out.

This book offers a simplified, accessible explanation of how our early experiences and interactions with our caregivers influence and shape our emotional development, our self perception and ability to navigate and interact with the world around us appropriately, positively and successfully.
The message is comfortably and cleverly repetitive and does not offer a quick fix but instead the hopeful reality of life after a difficult start.

Katriona Hirst
Trainee Educational Psychologist
Clackmannanshire Educational Psychology Service

​By Your Side Foster Carer and Adopter Guide: support for children moving families
by Vivien Norris (The Family Place 2019),
reviewed by Sheila Lavery
 
Transitions are understandably difficult for care-experienced children, not least because of the huge losses they involve or rekindle. Chief among these are the transitions from birth family to temporary foster care and from foster care to permanency.  

We expect a lot from children when we leave them to manage these moves without respecting their relational history and their ability to make sense of the conflicting and potentially overwhelming feelings such transitions involve.
 
So I was thrilled to read and review By Your Side, by Vivien Norris, Clinical Director of the Family Place. This genuinely trauma-informed guide for supporting both children and adults involved in the move to permanency joins the ranks of Norris’s other publications including Parenting with Theraplay (with Helen Rodwell) and Not Again Little Owl. This review is in respect of the foster carer and adopter guide, which forms part of a wider resource package including a practitioner guide and training programmes.
 
By Your Side acknowledges that starting well is crucial in adoption. It aims to do this by establishing a model of collaboration and containment. It employs DDP and Theraplay to provide consistency, playful connection, a coherent narrative, routines and rituals and a level of caring engagement so a child remains seen, heard and valued at a time when practicalities and planning often take precedence over emotional connection. The book aims to help the adults develop greater insight and empathy when moving a child. That means the adults must cooperate, manage their own feelings and model mind-mindedness and containment for the child.
 
It’s interesting that even though we know how attachments are built through rupture and repair we fail to use the huge rupture of transition as a critical attachment building opportunity and indeed, a key responsibility. Likewise, we may fail to recognise that the liminal space of transition between what was and what is yet to come is not a void but an opportunity for growth. Norris’s guide is hugely valuable in addressing this area.
 
 The manual begins by listing the seven core principles of the approach (see above) and defines the terms attachment and trauma, which helps to clarify the content that follows. The principles give a framework, goals and everyday examples of the By Your Side approach while providing the flexibility needed for every child and family’s unique experience.
 
By Your Side recognizes that the practical tasks of permanent placements and the excitement of a “forever” family means that adults often minimize or ignore the very real feelings of anxiety, grief, frustration, sadness, confusion etc., that a child may struggle to manage. In doing so we begin or continue a culture of, “if we don’t look at the tough stuff, it will go away” or we wait until a child is settled before addressing challenges. Norris addresses the reality of dealing with what comes up, as it comes up, in the here and now because that’s what being present for a child really means. She also asks us to consider our use of language and a child’s understanding of terms like “forever family”. It’s important to be curious about how those words fit with the child’s experience of family and the concept of forever, given the child’s current feeling state and developmental stage. For example, might we not distinguish between “first family”, “helping family” and “keeping family” rather than the usual fostering, adoption and care-order terminology.
 
What I liked most about this guide is that it puts attachment into action in this minute and every minute that we engage with a child, not somewhere down the line. It makes attachment the responsibility of each one of us involved in the child’s journey, not just the job of the “forever family”. Despite the abundance of attachment and trauma language on everyone’s lips, attachment is still not alive in the detail of care planning. There is still an expectation that a child will transfer attachment from one set of parents to another because it’s in their best interests. The system struggles to hold simultaneously the view of what is needed in the here and now with a long view of permanency. In reality minimising the pain of the transition undermines the chances of “permanency” or ‘forever” from the outset. When placements are not managed well subsequent transitions often become problematic and the adolescent transitions can become so difficult as to challenge the stability of everyone’s place in a “forever family”.
 
The sensitivity of the transfer of care from foster carer to permanent parent in the By Your Side approach means the adults can hold the child and the practitioners can hold the adult carers throughout the transitional process. For anyone familiar with DDP and Theraplay the detail of this approach will seem very familiar. I guess what is new is the packaging of those principles into a practical resource with a refreshing view of the space between temporary care and permanency as a bridge rather than a void.
 
As an adopter I questioned how some of the approach would work in practice. I was reassured that the midway review in the process could pick up on the fragility of some situations and the professionals could bolster any support needed for the child. Practitioners using the approach would need to be very skilled, hence the accompanying training, and the support system would need to be very robust. I’m also curious about what other supports might be available to help the adults in this vulnerable period. Still, it’s a great resource. Thinking as I often do these days about adoption disruption, the content of this guide is not only relevant to getting off to a good start in permanent placements, but together with the practitioner guide and training it would be a hugely valuable resource for repairing the hurt in families when the “forever” bubble is fit to burst and it provides a model of collaboration and support that gives adoption placements their best chance of success throughout the lifespan.

Healing Relational Trauma with Attachment-Focused Interventions. Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy with Children and Families
Daniel A. Hughes, Kim S. Golding & Julie Hudson (2019)

I work as a Consultant Clinical Psychologist with fostered and adopted children.  This book landed into my hands as I approached the end of the Practicum to become a Certified Practitioner in Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP).  And, wow, what a wonderful resource to have.  Its like having a DDP Consultant on hand!
​
This is a ‘must have’ resource for anyone who wants to learn about DDP and develop their practice of it.  It begins logically with chapters that explain the guiding principles, theory and what is known about the neurobiology of attachment and developmental trauma.  It explains PACE (which stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy) as the attitude which helps to provide children with a foundation for safe and healthy relationships.  The experience of DDP is described.  One chapter addresses the ‘nuts and bolts’ of DDP; wisdom that I wish I’d had when I first began practising with this model.  Basically, you are told everything that you need to know to get started with DDP in a practical way. 

There is a chapter on working with parents therapeutically and helping them to develop parenting that conveys PACE.  The book then explains how Dyadic Developmental Practice can be used to create safe settings.  There is an emphasis on thinking about a child’s wider system and network, such as education, social work teams and mental services.  This chapter shows how DDP is more than a psychotherapy.  DDP is a framework for professional practice.  It is a framework for creating strong unified and connected teams around a child in which a shared understanding of the child can be explored and created.  This networking approach is essential for helping children to feel safe, understood and regulated, and it can provide the foundation for successful psychotherapy.  The book explores DDP in residential care, fostering and adoption, individual therapy.  Specific populations are focused upon such as children with learning disabilities, children who show violence to parents and adolescents.  The combining of Theraplay and DDP is described.  The experience of having supervision for developing one’s own DDP practice is described.  To conclude, the book finishes with a chapter on the evidence base.   

This book packs a lot of information into its 335 pages.  It is aimed at professionals although it has little jargon in it so would be accessible to a wider audience.  It is very easy to read and the inclusion of many powerful case examples bring the concepts and ideas to life. 

As I finished reading this book, I was delighted to successfully complete the DDP Practicum and become a Certified Practitioner.  I’m confident that this book had helped me in those final stages by giving me knowledge, support and motivation.  It’ll certainly be a book that I keep accessible, especially when I need reminding of how to maintain a PACEful approach in my work. 
 
Review by:
Dr Helen Rodwell, Consultant Clinical Psychologist,
Co-author of: Parenting with Theraplay; An Introduction to Autism for Adoptive and Foster Families; CoramBaaf Good Practice Guide on Supporting the Mental Health of Looked After and Adopted Children. 

Not Again, Little Owl by Vivien Norris

Not Again, Little Owl is a therapeutic story book specially written for children moving from short term foster care to a permanent placement, whether adoption or foster care.

The writer, Vivien Norris, is a clinical psychologist, music therapist and DDP practitioner who has many years of experience of therapeutic work with families and adoption.

She wrote the book because she found that the transition to adoption books available tended to have an adult agenda and focus only on the positives. She saw the need for a story which would acknowledge the child’s distress and help the adults to see and engage with it.
 
The book tells the story of Little Owl who is living with his Mummy, who doesn’t look after him properly. Rabbit decides this is not good enough and takes him to his Granny who can’t keep up with his energy. Fox and Hedgehog can’t manage to look after him either, but then Rabbit takes him to stay with Badger who understands his fears and helps work out his “muddles”. When Rabbit arrives again to take him to say with Squirrel who will look after him forever, Little Owl is upset and wary. However, Rabbit, Squirrel and Badger work together to help him move and at last Little Owl can begin to settle into his new home.
 
The book is nicely illustrated using children’s drawings and offers opportunities for conversations about the realities of the multiple transitions that children can experience before moving to an adoptive family.  While the sadness and loss associated with these moves is acknowledged in the story, there is also hope and understanding. This book would be an invaluable tool for social workers, foster carers and adopters who need to open up discussions with children about moves in a sensitive and non-threatening way.
 
Jane Steele
Trainer/Consultant
Adoption and Fostering Alliance (AFA) Scotland 
The Adoption and Fostering Alliance (AFA) Scotland is an independent, charitable organisation dedicated to Not Again, Little Owlimproving outcomes for children in care by providing support to all those working in the field of adoption, fostering and the care of looked after children.

Parenting Strategies to Help Adopted and Fostered Children with Their Behaviour by Christine Gordon

​The wonderful wisdom in this book is a most welcome addition for any parent, professional or educator supporting children with difficult to understand behaviour. Although the focus of the book is on children affected by early trauma, (especially children who are fostered or adopted) the strategies and
underpinning knowledge is universally valuable. I found the book to be full of insights which have deepened my understanding of parenting and working with children who have had a difficult start in life.

The book offers a unique contribution to the literature on parenting children with early life trauma due to the inclusion of the invaluable behaviour charts which make up the second half of the book. The charts explain the underlying causes of many common behaviours children affected by trauma display, with useful insights and strategies for interpreting and supporting behaviour when it arises.

It is very understanding of the struggles many adults have in caring for traumatised children and helps you feel understood and validated.
It is not easy caring for children with trauma histories and when a book like this come along it provides light at the end of an often very long tunnel. 

This book helps carers make the shift from seeing behaviour as:
Challenging to distressed
What is wrong with you? to What has happened to you?
What are you doing? to What is your behaviour trying to tell me?
and from focusing only on behaviour to wondering about the meaning and the deeper communication.

The uniqueness and value in this book lies not only in the author's obvious knowledge and expertise, but the clear and applicable charts which really do help decipher and translate behaviour into communication. I have my copy beside my bed and refer to it often. This not only helps me, but ensures my adopted children get a more understanding and supportive parent.

 Kevin Denvir
​(Adoptive parent, foster carer and ASN teacher)

Building the Bonds of Attachment: Awakening Love in Deeply Traumatised Children
(3rd Edition), Daniel A. Hughes PhD

This highly engaging and insightful book uses the story of Katie, a child at risk and then in foster care to explore the theory and application of Developmental Dyadic Psychotherapy (DDP), both in therapy in in therapeutic care.  Although the characters Hughes introduces us to (especially Katie) are an amalgam of real carers, children and Social Worker that Hughes and other practitioners have known over the years, they are believable.  The Inner World of “Katie” is well described, as is the seemingly endless patience of Jackie, Katie’s fourth foster mum.
​
Through the narrative (novelistic) style, Hughes adopts, we get a revealing outline of blocked trust, blocked care, PACE in action and the process of PACEFUL parenting & therapeutic intervention.  Use of the Social Worker’s own developing relationship & parenting of his first child provides an opportunity for the reader to compare normal developmental pathways of relational styles, with the disordered reactions and thinking of Katie.

Each chapter is full of detailed descriptions of significant incidents followed by a reflective “commentary” section.  This allows the reader to refresh and summarise what has occurred, whilst checking their understanding of the trickier concepts and reviewing their own learning and development of ideas.

The introduction can be read alone as a helpful outline of attachment, why it is important and the role of therapy.  It also provides a helpful overview of the main aspects of attachment, and the important concepts that develop through early care, especially the role of attachment, empathy and intersubjectivity.  It provides a useful definition of trauma and the distinction between PTSD and developmental trauma.

At times the reader feels exhausted alongside the foster carers, especially Jackie, who are struggling to get it right for Katie and this is one of the books strengths – the ability to illustrate how difficult it can be to care for, and keep caring for highly traumatised children.  Although the outcome for Katie might be seen, by some, as too easy, for others it will be seen as an inevitable outcome of the hard work of therapeutic parenting where the aim is to build the bonds of attachment.  The reader never loses sight of wanting things to be better for Katie no matter how challenging she seems, because Hughes has drawn her character and the motivations for her behaviours so well.

Hughes skilfully outlines, through the examples he describes, the need for constant self-reflection on the part of therapeutic carers, including support to explore their own attachment history and the necessity of having access to the support of a therapist who is focused on the development of the relationship between carer and child.  By accompanying Jackie and Katie through their therapy sessions, the focus of the problem is shifted from a “within child” model (and the reader is given an example of this type of therapy in Katie’s first therapist) to a “within relationship” model.  By making the mind shift to seeing the problem located within relationship and knowing how they work, the message of this insightful, highly readable book is one of hope.  Things can change.  Children can be helped and healed.

Lesley Craig
Educational Psychologist
Clackmannanshire Educational Psychology Service.

The Boy Who Built a Wall around Himself
by Ali Redford, illustrated by Kara Simpson.
 
This little book is intended for 4-9 year olds but carries a message for people of all ages.

Written by adoptive mother, Ali Redford, it tells the story of “Boy” who, finding “everything  scarily wrong”, builds a protective wall around himself because no one seems to  care.

Fortunately for Boy, there is help at hand in the form of “Someone Kind “who persists in engaging with him and helps to break the wall down.

The text of the book is perfectly complemented with illustrations by Kara Simpson who captures, in comic book format drawings, the isolation felt by Boy and the playful and imaginative attempts by Someone Kind to help him. The use of “Boy” and “Someone Kind”, instead of names, allows any child listening to the story to relate to it at their own level.

There are messages in this book for all those involved in the care of traumatised children.  Firstly, that helping children to heal from past experiences takes persistence and time, that for a child to give up their “wall” can be very scary for them and that the way forward is through a positive and consistent relationship with a secure adult.  Dan Hughes would approve of the way “Someone Kind engages with the child in a playful way!  Most importantly the book gives a message of hope that, in time, children can heal from past experiences.
​
Talking about “walls”, both physical and metaphorical, seems topical these days! There are lessons that can be drawn from this useful little book - that talking is better than silence and building bridges more helpful than building walls.  This book would offer encouragement to any child hearing Boy’s story and to parents / carers as well.  Although small in size it gives a big message!

Star rating ****
Heather Drysdale
(Systemic Psychotherapist/Adoption and Fostering Consultant)

The Neurobiology of Attachment-Focused Therapy - Enhancing connection & trust in the treatment of children and adolescent by Jonathan Baylin and Daniel A Hughes 

The focus of this book is set with a quote from Colwyn Trevarthan Emeritus Professor of Child Psychology and Psychobiology, University of Edinburgh.
“If we are to protect young children from harm …we will have to value more and give response to what children bring to human life-the eager spirit of their joyful projects beyond their seeking to survive.” 

How can therapists and caregivers help maltreated children recover what they were born with: the potential to experience the safety, comfort, and joy of having trustworthy, loving adults in their lives? 

In order to address this question this book shares the work of Dan Hughes and Jon Baylin in their development of a science based model of attachment focused therapy that links clinical interventions that are informed by an understanding of brain functioning on attachment and relationships. Thus Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP) is linked to neurobiological processes.

Neuroscience shows that negative experiences lead to the development of a neural “alarm system” called the mid brain defence system linked to chronic defensiveness- the core of blocked trust.

The treatment is to target the mid brain alarm system – the part of the brain sensitised by pain suppression and chronic defensiveness evident in children who have developed blocked trust –the suppression of inherent relational needs due to poor care. 

The prefrontal cortex is activated in order to support new learning and move from mistrust to trust. This is done through techniques of reversal learning, fear extinction, memory reconsolidation, reflection, and reappraisal. The therapy ensure adults send messages of approachability and trustworthiness into child’s brain. i.e. not being defensive adults in order to ensure provision of comforting enjoyable experiences with adults. Safety is key in developing this trustworthy environment. 

Underpinning this approach are the key DDP elements of PACE – playfulness, acceptance, curiosity, empathy which are utilised by the therapist in work with children, parents and families. 

The content of the book is laid out in such a way that the reader is informed by the new science of attachment and the bio behavioural processes of trust, mistrust and trust building. This is rich and informative. The focus then leads on to the means of change in the brain functioning in order to bring about therapeutic intervention. There are summaries for some chapters (those providing theoretical background) which are an excellent learning aid. The chapters on intervention are very well illustrated with clinical examples which bring alive the approach as well as reminding the reader of the pain for the children and families involved. 

In drawing the book to a close the focus is directed to the future and the possible expansion of the DDP model looking at more processes to decrease chronic stress and defensiveness. 

The linking of the constantly developing information on brain functioning with attachment focused therapy is very successfully achieved in this book which will provide those working with children and families with potentially both an increased body of knowledge and an improved skill base.

​Ann Rooney
Consultant / Trainer

There is no better guide to how children develop their rich emotional, relational, and creative lives than is the wisdom of Colwyn Trevarthen, Jaak Panksepp and Phyllis Booth.  In this book, all three make it clear that reciprocal play--play that involves joy and delight, magic and music, often rough and tumble, always engaging in the back and forth of spontaneous encounters and movements--is a central component in the full development of children.  
            
In the first chapter Trevarthen and Panksepp summarize clearly their view of human development:  “We are born with a moving body, ready to share its rhythms and melodies of joy or anguish.  Our vitality is by nature that of a dancer or musician, and this intelligence in movement gives us signals to be shared. (p. 39).”   In the Forward, Booth gives us a brief glimpse of how Winnicott saw play between the child and psychotherapist as being at the heart of the creative changes that such meetings attempted to foster.   Play too, is the central core of Theraplay, a treatment modality developed by Booth that moves play from the focus on the symbolic play of traditional therapies to the reciprocal, expressive, movements of delight and engagement that occurs within Theraplay between the child and therapist and the child and parent. 
            
Attachment theory and research stresses the importance of safety that is established in the infant-parent relationship within which the young child learns within joint activities with the parent to regulate their affective states and begin to make sense of the world.  The reciprocal, moment-to-moment engagement--often characterized by music and  rhythms that have been called “the dance of attunement”-- between infant and parent is the foundation for the child becoming safe to explore the larger world of relationships with peers and developing interests.  Through reciprocal play, the rich inner world into the minds and hearts of others--family and friends--becomes open to the child.
            
When children have had the misfortune of developing a troubled or disorganized attachment with their original caregivers, these children need to develop relationships with their new caregivers that feature the presence of comfort (for attachment) and joy (for companionship).  Repetitive nonverbal communications that express empathy, delight, interest, and wonder are central in these children learning that they are able to trust these caregivers.  Joint activities that involve music and dance, spontaneous intentional movements requiring a shared focus and cooperation are important ways to engage these children to develop their trust.  Similar activities with their peers are often crucial both in helping the child to both return to the past with joint activities that they had needed but did not receive, as well as moving into the future into groups of friends. 
            
Inclusion, Play, and Empathy offers a great variety of ways to become engaged with children who have had difficult beginnings while guiding them to participate in those spontaneous, joint activities of creative play that they desperately need.  Music and dance, but also all sorts of shared intentions and activities, are presented in this book as ways that will facilitate children’s neuroaffective development in group settings.  Therapists from many countries and all persuasions share their insights attained through their creative therapies that are likely to offer ideas for engaging children to both parents and professionals alike.
 
These programs cannot replace the child’s need to develop safe relationships with their primary caregivers characterized by comfort and joy.  However they may well complement such relationships and, in fact, the child’s participation in these crucial experiences of play with peers, maybe actually help them to become more open to exploring a closer relationship with their caregivers.  The therapies presented in this well-edited book are excellent examples of “therapies that enhance the deep creative and restorative powers of human nature (p.49).”

Dan Hughes PhD
​Founder of DDP

The Teacher’s Introduction to Attachment: Practical Essentials for Teachers, Carers and School Support Staff by Nicola Marshall

Teaching colleagues and school support staff are frequently in search of knowledge, understanding and skills to assist them in meeting the needs of some of our most vulnerable children- those who have experienced early developmental trauma. 

Within education circles some would argue that meeting the needs of this group of children presents one of the greatest challenges to fostering an inclusive education system and to realising the aspirations of Getting it Right for Every Child.

Nicola Marshall’s book is a helpful addition to the range of resources designed to support staff and carers to respond positively to the often complex challenges presented by children with attachment difficulties. 

She describes her book as a “down to earth, practical and accessible look at the world of attachment and trauma, particularly in educational settings” – and that is precisely what it is. 

While drawing on the work of many well-known writers and practitioners in the field, notably Dan Hughes, Bruce Perry, Kate Cairns and Louise Bomber amongst others, Marshall expresses the hope that the reader will find that her book comes from a real place of experience. The experience she refers to is that of being the parent of three adopted children, who she describes as being the reason for the book; having given her the inspiration to try to help others understand the impact of early trauma on children.

                 “The key to most things in life is awareness and understanding.
                   Once you have that the strategies are easier to find”. 

While there can be little doubt of the truth of this statement, many teachers may assert that while the understanding is essential, it is not sufficient, and that what is needed in schools is the means to implement practical effective strategies on a day to day basis. The fact that Nicola Marshall manages to cover both theory and practical strategy, and more importantly link them meaningfully in a relatively short 147 pages should add to the appeal of this book for busy school staff. 

The book is divided into four parts. Part 1 looks at theory and starts from the perspective of some of the puzzling behaviours and responses of traumatised children, acknowledging that we need to ‘take a step back’ and look at what may have happened in the lives of children before they came to school, to really understand the feelings behind the behaviours they present. This is a fundamentally important point, highlighting as it does that effective support for children needs to look beyond and behind behaviour. Teachers and other school staff frequently report that ‘traditional’ and often tried and tested approaches are simply not effective and this can lead to frustration and hopelessness for staff and children alike.

This section covers trauma, its meaning and causes as well as describing the attachment cycle, brain development, the consequences of disrupted attachment and attachment styles. Marshall acknowledges that there is more to say on this subject but her hope is that there is sufficient information in this to allow an understanding and that readers will be inspired to seek a greater depth of understanding through the references and resources provided. Although I have some reservations about describing attachment styles in a resource such as this, as it can reinforce the risk of tendencies to ‘classify’ and label children, there is enough in the later sections of this book to counter- balance any such propensity.  

Part 2 focuses on the Guiding Principles of working to support children. In this section the principles outlined are – Relationships over Programmes, Emotional Age over Chronological Age, Structure over Chaos, Time in over Time out and Sensory Less over Sensory More.  These sound principles for working with children who have experienced trauma and disrupted attachment are helpful for practitioners not only in thinking about the needs of children but also in providing a framework for considering the application of supportive approaches in their particular context and setting.  As such they are useful in helping staff and carers to begin to think about the practical application of strategies with the children they work with on a day to day basis. 

Part 3 goes on to focus specifically on areas of concern in an effort to deepen understanding of the needs of children and some strategies which may be of benefit. This is a practical and helpful overview of some of the main issues and builds effectively of the previous sections covering toxic shame, identity, empathy, trust, control and self-reliance, self-regulation, memory and organisation and changes and transition. Each chapter considers the possible underlying causes of concern, examines the implications for the child and his/her development, the signs that the particular area may be a difficulty for the child and focuses on what can be done to help. It manages to give greater insight into the complex and puzzling behaviours which can perplex (and sometimes defeat staff and carers) as well as offering advice about effective strategies to support children to overcome early adversity and settle to learn. 

Marshall provides examples and weaves some of her own experiences throughout.  This gives the book the flavour of what she describes as ‘heart knowledge as well as head knowledge’ and as such will resonate with those experiencing the challenges of living with or working with traumatised children.
The final section of the book picks up some of the areas not readily captured by the previous parts and looks at, for example, the important issues of secondary stress, communication and triggers.  

It also has a short section on rewards in school – an area that can be especially difficult within a whole school context. Marshall suggests that there is a need for a conceptual shift towards a relational approach which focuses on encouraging expression and integration in order to help a child feel safe, nurtured and good about themselves. She also makes some important points about expectations of change and the resilience and tenacity needed by staff and carers to stick with children in their journey to overcome early adverse experience.

In summary, Nicola Marshall’s book is an easy to read and helpful contribution to the burgeoning resource for school staff and carers in their efforts to help children who have experienced trauma and disrupted attachment to flourish; and as its cover attests, will be a welcome addition to any school’s staff library.

Alison MacDonald
Principal Educational Psychologist  

8 Keys to Building Your Best Relationships by Daniel A. Hughes

As a relationship counsellor, this book has impressed in the way it distils the roots and processes that so often lead to difficulties and conflict in relationships. It also offers insight and hope for relationships that can be very secure and fulfilling. 

Dan Hughes has translated theoretical concepts making them accessible to a wide audience, including the latest science behind relationships, making it a tool for husbands, wives, friends, lovers, professionals, business people, and parents. It would also add greatly to personal and social development curriculum within schools.

Personally I love models that break things down into smaller steps which build cohesive, integrated meaning. Dan does this really well and has combined his experience and understanding with lots of short case study examples and scenarios to make it easy to appreciate the relevance and importance of 
what he contributes here. As a reader already familiar with attachment theory I found the description of attachment styles much more easily understood and applicable to everyday life. 

Chapter and Key no 1 – Learn Why Attachment Matters lays out clearly the authority and standing of attachment theory, it’s usefulness and ultimately links the patterns of relating found in both children and adults to the behaviour that, when explained so insightfully, makes so much sense.

Key No 2 is - Know your Autobiography and be willing to rewrite it. In this chapter he leads the reader through 10 themes that help establish a stronger sense of who we are and the life factors that have contributed to it. Dan explains how re-experiencing the past can give new meaning and alter the influence these have on our present lives. A conclusion drawn is “….if you’ve been able to make sense of the events in your life – and the nature of your most influential relationships – and then develop a story that is organised and interwoven with different elements, you tend to be in the best position to develop healthy relationships.”

In Key no 3 the important areas of Brain and Biology are explored with reference to prominent researchers. Dan manages to craft explanations which make understanding concepts such as interpersonal neurobiology and social engagement remarkably easy. He gives everyday, credible examples to highlight his ideas which allow the reader to get a felt sense of what he attempts to explain.  It is becoming more and more accepted that neuroscience underpins attachment, and therefore relationships are a part of brain function. A key part of this chapter has to be a summary explanation of Dan’s signature PACE approach using Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy, with poignant examples to support and lay a foundation for how this can and does work in supporting anyone experiencing relationship difficulties.

Key no 4 looks at Building your Reflective Capacity. Here you are invited to consider a range of questions designed to cultivate a conscious presence within relationships. What do relationships mean to me? What am I like in relationships? How do I reflect on others? These questions drill down into more specific questions which tease out what we might be looking for and expecting from our relationships. These questions are designed to increase our awareness of both what we might look for and what we ourselves bring to our relationships.

Key number 5 starts with an example of a young female professional who had difficulties managing her emotions within friendship. This introduces the reader to an interesting chapter called – Build Your Emotional Competence. Here again we get a chance to consider “the mind” and how neuroscience has brought greater understanding of emotions and the complexities of brain function. Dan goes on to explain the wider body systems including the links between our heart and gut which all play a part in felt experience. I found the differentiation between Shame and Guilt useful with great insights into how and why these emotions become established within our emotional self through our early experiences. Looking at how relationships develop provides a helpful way of considering the tensions which ebb and flow in relationships around conflicting emotions and the common causes that lie beneath. Practical exercises support the building of the three characteristics of emotional competence – Knowing what you feel, communicating your feelings and managing your feelings. 

To Master Effective Communication is Key number 6 which looks at reciprocity within the context of taking turns in communication. I like the way Dan describes the pre-requisites of effective communication as an ability to listen and more importantly the ability to stay open and engaged, avoiding defensiveness. This is again well illustrated by examples that help the reader appreciate the different patterns of communication that emerge as relationships grow and change. Developing capacities like saying what you mean and asking for what you want are considered to highlight some subtleties of more effective communication. I love the way the reader is invited to consider the influence of non verbal communication which so often leads to misunderstanding and conflict. Our voice and our physiology often let us down and the examples offered help to understand how this can lead to conflict but also be a very effective part on the solution.

In addressing the reparative work Key No 7 is aptly titled – Tinker and Repair. Accepting that even the healthiest of relationships have problems, and as human beings we will all make mistakes at some point, this chapter looks at what we do, and indeed how we might deal better, when problems arise. The reassurance given around mistakes helps the reader feel OK about personal challenges and experiences.  “People in relationships need to be able to repair whatever conflicts emerge if the relationships are to become truly meaningful and lasting.” Dan goes onto to point out that “Avoiding conflicts leads to a more polite but superficial relationship,” going on to explain what he feels are the fundamental points about relationship tinkering and repair. These are headlined as – Decide if the relationships is more important than the conflict, Remember the importance of the relationship, Remember that assigning blame is counterproductive, Don’t deny or avoid: Address the conflict, Don’t endlessly replay conflict, Remember that behaviour has more than one meaning, Address one conflict at a time and finally Mistakes happen: Say your sorry. Period. In summary our ability to tinker and repair is enhanced when our focus moves towards the opportunity to strengthen our relationships rather than to any risk to its durability when we experience conflicts.

The final Key and Chapter is titled Balance Autonomy with Intimacy. An autonomous attachment, as explained in previous chapters, provides both the safety and satisfaction that promotes balance in relationships. However, to feel fulfilled across your life, that wider awareness needs to reflect that “You are not a passive recipient of your life; you are active in creating it.” All of the work from the previous Keys comes together here to illustrate how knowing yourself and the impact of your story provides the platform for meaning and understanding which grows awareness. The example given in this chapter highlights how relationship difficulties develop. The autonomy which was a factor in the partner’s attraction is readily given up changing the rhythm and dynamics of the relationship beginning a cycle of dependency pushing the other away. The moral of this is that no person can be the source of another’s happiness. It is in the sharing of the uniqueness of two autonomous individuals that rich and fulfilling relationships thrive. This does not mean other relationships can’t last or don’t work but it highlights clearly that they will not be deep and fulfilling. 

In pulling the collection of 8 Keys together Dan has provided a valuable tool for building and maintaining balance in autonomy and intimacy within relationships. In claiming that “Your past relationships do not have to dictate your future relationships”, strategies are offered to increase the meaning of relationships in your life and exercises to help you establish how you may have contributed to past relationships and where you have made relationships difficult. A framework is offered for starting a journal, recording important features of yourself which can be used to promote and preserve your autonomy while allowing space for important relationships to develop and grow. This is further developed with a longer term use of a journal being used to compare and guide us towards sustainable healthy relationships. In the final paragraph Dan reminds us of the importance of being Playful, Accepting, Curious and Empathic to keep us on track with both our relationship with our self and our relationships with others. I thoroughly recommend this book.

Kevin Denvir
Relationship Counsellor