Book of the Month June 2019 - The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and your children will be glad you did) by Philippa Perry 


This book gave me deep joy and it started with these two sentences. ‘I take the long term view on parenting rather than the tips and tricks approach. I’m interested in how we can relate to our children rather than how we can manipulate them.’ 

In an age where parenting has become a verb - to parent, to do stuff to a child, this book is a breath of fresh air. Perry has great compassion for both parents and children alike. She sees children as people in their own right with thoughts, feelings and intentions of their own. Children have emotions we need to support them to feel, not simply deal with. I was hooked. 

Perry guides the reader on a gentle and reflective journey into how their experience of being cared for may be influencing how they care for their own child. The vignettes helpfully display examples of how a parent can recognise why something or sometime in their child’s life is triggering or blocking their own response to their child in the moment. 

Practical examples of rupture and repair between couples for example is addressed sensitively and sensibly. It is welcome to read a book that helps parents to look at how they can converse about hugely emotive subjects, like having opposing approaches to how best to support their child, rather than advise them to blindly follow a strategy no matter how difficult that may feel to them. 

While not written specifically for foster carers, kinship carers or adoptive parents, Perry’s approach absolutely resonates with approaches we would commonly use to support children who have experienced developmental trauma, such as Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy. It’s a wonderful reminder that therapeutic parenting is vital for some yet beneficial to the wellbeing of all children. 

Perry beautifully illustrates that being a ‘good enough’ parent, carer, residential care worker, or even teacher for that matter, is about much more than applying strategies, managing behaviour and ‘doing to’ a child. She shows us how we might ‘do with and be with’ a child, how to collaborate without being permissive. She shows us how to respect children, be aware of when our ‘stuff’ is intruding in our relationship with our child and crucially how to validate our children’s feelings and experiences. In this way, they feel understood and develop the mental and emotional resilience that we often hear that young people lack. She shows us how to do this in the day to day interactions that matter most. It feels like she is alongside us, believing in us, egging us on. 

I would highly recommend this book. I found great contentment in Perry’s soothing tone, her practical advice which swam amongst easily accessible explanations of key theories and, above all, how she models a relational approach to family life. When there is a problem she says... ‘look at your relationship and what’s happening between you. That’s where you’ll find your answer.’ 
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The more I read the more I thought, this book should be in every Baby Box for every child born in Scotland. It’s like really good therapy. I finished each chapter reflective but feeling lighter, with a renewed understanding and a reaffirmed belief in relationships, respecting children as wee people in their own right & hopeful because Perry beautifully shows us how we can put all of this into practice.

Ruth Miller
Depute Principal Educational Psychologist
East Ayrshire Psychological Services

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