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for those living or working with the impact of trauma

Book of the Month October 2024 -Reflective Supervision in Education

11/10/2024

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Reflective Supervision in Education is a wee gem of a book for anyone interested in supervision for education practitioners.  I was particularly interested in reading it as I have been involved with the ‘Wee Breathers’ project with Scottish Attachment in Action who are actively bringing supervision to schools in Scotland, funded by the Promise Partnership.  I was not disappointed with the book and have been recommending it to my colleagues.
 
As a social worker I have worked in different settings and supervision has been integral to my practice, as it is for many others working in the caring professions.  However, supervision for teachers is a rarity and given they have such an important role to play beyond teaching, introducing regular supervision to key staff members is a must.  As the author Hollie Edwards discusses at the beginning of the book, the welfare of pupils and staff is just as important as learning/performance, especially when stress levels in staff and mental health difficulties in children and young people are on the increase.  
 
This book provides a really useful model for putting reflective supervision in place within a school setting.  It is well laid out and takes the reader through the reasons why supervision is important, providing strong evidence to persuade those with budgets and power to prioritise it within their setting. Hollie then explores who would benefit and goes into a lot of detail about the practicalities of doing the supervision from group to individual sessions. This includes thinking about timing, size of groups and lots of other details that need to be carefully thought about.  There is a chapter towards the end of the book that helps think about how a supervision session can be structured and gives lots of suggestions for questions that supervisors can use to elicit reflection in a non-intrusive way.  A useful policy outline is provided that can be developed for your own setting.   The reader is also supported in how to build in staff feedback and evaluation.  Hollie has incorporated  comments from feedback she and other supervisors have collated, throughout the book.  These provide lovely reflections and insights into many aspects of supervision.  
 
Each chapter is really informative and I love how the author helps the reader to reflect by posing questions at strategic points.  This process would support anyone planning to introduce supervision in their education setting and motivate them to to take action.  It would equally be useful for those starting to provide supervision, particularly the more practical advice on sessions themselves.
 
The final chapter emphasises the importance of reflection in our professional lives and highlights how supervision can help to develop and utilise this skill when in the midst of difficult situations.  This is a must for education practitioners who will undoubtedly be caring for children and young people communicating distress through behaviours which can often feel stressful and challenging.  Our children deserve to have teachers who are looked after, feel less stressed and able to stay connected with their pupils even when the going gets tough.  Hollie Edwards has provided an accessible model in such a straightforward manner that it will make the journey to providing reflective supervision in education more attainable.  

Lesley Bell 
Therapeutic Social Worker

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Book of the Month June 2021 - Play Is The Way

1/6/2021

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Play Is The Way: Child development, early years and the future of Scottish education. Edited Sue Palmer

This compact volume is a rich and engaging resource for educators, health professionals, policy makers and parents which sets out a comprehensive argument for establishing a relationship-centred and play-based education for Scotland’s under 7 year olds. Edited by Sue Palmer, who has gathered an impressive array of voices from education and health professions, the book summarises and expands the campaign of Upstart Scotland whose aims include establishing a statutory play-based ‘kindergarten stage’ for Scottish children and stressing the importance of play as a natural part of human development. 

Throughout the book, there is a thorough examination of existing Scottish guidance and legislation on early years education and care, and an overt frustration at the current mismatch between what is on paper and existing practice in nurseries and schools.
The reader will find the book divided into three sections.  The first considers ‘What we know about where we want to go’ and is a fascinating insight into the cultural and historical barriers in Scotland regarding the efficacy of play in early education.  The myth of early acceleration is skilfully outlined through examining the historical contexts that have brought about the persistent but unfounded belief that educating children as young as 4 or 5 years in the 3 Rs (Reading, wRiting and aRithmetic) is the most beneficial for later outcomes,  and that the stubborn suspicion of the validity of play is part of Scottish identity, proud of its early start to formal education. Psychological and neurobiological studies are set out to highlight how human brains are built from the bottom up ie gradually building connections on top of existing foundations of understanding so that incoming information has something to grasp onto.  Trying to accelerate this process by top-down pedagogy goes against the natural development of human brains yet the myth of starting early seems engrained not just in Scotland but throughout the UK.

Section two sets out to consider ‘How can we get to where we want to be?’ with real examples of existing projects leading the way and projected scenarios of what might be possible including harnessing the power of parents.  I was particularly drawn to the arguments for raising the status of the workforce in the early year’s arena and an emphasis on the relational experiences needed to build the foundations for literacy and numeracy before formal learning begins.  As a play therapist, I am delighted to read segments about the vital role of play for children’s social, physical and emotional development; that play is not just a fun way of learning cognitive concepts but is the fundamental language through which children first understand themselves and interact with the world.

The final section examines the wider context in which the authors’ arguments sit and the challenges ahead.  A prime block seems to be the persistence of the Scottish government to require formal assessment of P1 students (age 6 years) rather than moving towards more holistic assessments such as the Early Development Instrument (EDI) which considers social, emotional and physical developments in addition to cognitive and language developments. EDI is already used by other English-speaking countries such as Canada and Australia but has not (yet) found a place in UK education.

In the 2nd edition of this book (it had two reprints within a few months of being published in October 2020), there is a super additional chapter from Shaddai Tembo in which he challenges the often positive and idealised environment in early years settings which may be masking ongoing inequalities and not giving space for recognition of celebrating diversity in all its forms right from the start of a young child’s educational experience. Play, he argues, is a means by which young children can take flight into aspects of themselves that may be constrained in the culture of their setting.  A powerful read which comes from a standpoint of experience and compassion and is well worth a read on its own.
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The excellent reference bank at the end demonstrates the robustness of the research related to the topic of play in early years education and in itself provides a rich source of further reading.  Whilst stemming from Scotland and referring to particular cultural and historical aspects of early education in that country, the book is of equal importance to those of us working elsewhere in the United Kingdom.  I smiled when reading that a copy was sent to every Member of the Scottish Parliament for Christmas!  Bravo to the whole team who put this gem of a compendium together during the pandemic lockdown and are keeping the momentum going for appropriate and life-enhancing early education and care. 
 
Julie McCann, London
Former primary school teacher, BAPT Play Therapist, Theraplay Practitioner, Visiting Lecturer Roehampton University

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Book of the Month February 2021 - Working with Relational Trauma in Schools: An Educator's Guide to Using Dyadic Developmental Practice

26/2/2021

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Working with Relational Trauma in Schools: An Educator's Guide to Using Dyadic Developmental Practice 
(Guides to Working with Relational Trauma Using DDP) by Louise Michelle Bombèr (Author), Kim Golding (Author), Sian Phillips (Author), Dan Hughes (Foreword)

A collaboration between practitioners of such esteem as Kim Golding, Sian Phillips and Louise Bomber cannot fail to grab the attention of anyone who seeks to learn more about developmental trauma. 



​The first of a planned series examining how DDP (Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy) principles can be applied in different settings, this book is a welcome addition to the growing literature on how schools and educators address the needs of vulnerable pupils.  The focus on the theory and practices associated with DDP and how these may be applied by school staff is timely and informative. 

The authors very much focus on educators rather than just teachers as they are keen proponents of the team pupil approach, something which is crucial if trauma-informed approaches are to become embedded in whole school practice and ethos.  The premise of the book is that educators are not therapists, nor should they be expected to be, but that using the principles of DDP and accepting them as a ‘way of being’ is essential if we are to address the needs of our vulnerable pupils.  It is enlightening, then, that the educator remains at the heart of the theory explored in the book.

Chapters 1 to 3 introduce some key concepts providing theory in typically easy-to-access manner.  We learn about blocked trust, the reasons behind it but, most importantly here, how it can impact on a daily basis within the classroom.  Intersubjectivity and the powerful, though often overlooked, consequences of shame are discussed in chapter 2 and, again, they are skilfully related to what happens between educator and pupil.  Where the writing is interspersed with specific examples it is most impactful as we find ourselves recognising behaviours we may have encountered in our own experience. Moving on to how we may address these behaviours, chapter 3 looks at building connections encouraging educators to be ‘trust builders’ and ‘emotional detectives’.  The analogy of the river of integration in which we are tasked with remaining open, engaged and flexible is a useful one while the section on mind-mindedness reminds us of the skills we can all develop. 
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Many readers of this book will be familiar with the need for PACE (playfulness, acceptance, curiosity and empathy) in our interactions with young people but chapter 4 goes beyond simple information-giving and prompts us to consider how we demonstrate and live PACE as a philosophy rather than label it as a set of strategies.  Like driving a car, the authors write, each of the skills involved are crucial parts of an even more significant ‘whole’.  Similarly, it is not something that can be learned overnight.  Chapter 5 provides a very useful set of frequently asked questions which heads of service might find helpful for training purposes.  Chapter 6 looks on the surface like a collection of ideas but here we consider, amongst other areas, the use of praise and rewards with vulnerable children.  The language used throughout is about ‘supporting’ behaviour rather than ‘managing’ it and practices are critiqued constructively with very clear and thoughtful advice provided. 

Chapters 7 to 10 offer further practical advice but steer clear of doomed-to-fail ‘tips for teachers’ instead asking us to consider how we may adapt our mindsets and predominant modus operandi in order to build relationships, create safe learning environments and become authoritative educators.   That said, the consistent message remains that this is no easy or simple task and that the challenges faced when trying to do this can be immense.  The authors accept that all of this is often easier said than done and they are clear that educators need time, self-compassion and support from colleagues.  Far from being a supplementary thought, as is often the case, this point is reiterated in particular with chapters 11 and 12 where we are asked to consider our own attachment patterns and how we may look after ourselves.  

It is here where this book excels.  That is, the authors have managed to steer clear of the sometimes idealistic-sounding advice that educators get and produce a work that acknowledges the challenges, places the educator at the centre and offers sensitive, practical and realistic guidance. The interlacing of examples illustrates both how common and understandable it is to ‘get it wrong’ as well as how scenarios may be approached differently.  Ideas are presented concisely and a number of broad strategies, like ‘follow-lead-follow’ and ‘rupture-repair’, are clear and difficult to contest.  Practitioners with some knowledge of DDP and PACE as well as those who are beginning this particular journey will both benefit from this work.  A highly recommended read!

Dr Christine Hadfield
Lecturer in Teacher Education at the University of Glasgow.  

I worked as a secondary school teacher in England for 10 years before becoming an adoptive mum, moving home to Glasgow and educating myself in all things attachment and trauma.  I now work at the School of Education, University of Glasgow where I teach Modern Languages and Health and Wellbeing. 

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Book of the Month November 2020 - Know Me To Teach Me

1/11/2020

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Know Me To Teach Me: Differentiated discipline for those recovering from adverse childhood experiences by Louise Michelle Bombèr
 
The stated goal of Louise Bombèr’s book, Know Me To Teach Me, is timely and interesting: to integrate what we know about attachment, trauma, and neuroscience into practical and wise action. But are we ready for this? One of the tenets of this book is that we should respect and honour our biology as human beings. Louise Bomber attempts to anchor our approach toward young people in the science of the nervous system, but is there a danger that we expect too much of what science can offer us?
 
The wise actions suggested at the end of the chapter on ‘Respecting Biology’ are helpful: putting relationships first, being playful and noticing, and using the presence of the adult to enable a pupil to stay grounded in the here-and-now. Louise’s practical suggestions have helped me develop as a teacher over the years. They are both sensitive to the young person’s needs and ‘doable’ even for a busy and sometimes ‘feeling-inadequate-to-deal-with-this’ kind of teacher. How I wish that the science bit of the chapter — polyvagal theory— was better established and evidenced. Especially considering we already have attachment theory, which gives us teachers a well-attested rationale for understanding how children are impacted by trauma, fear, and stress.
 
In the chapter ‘Rediscovering the Art of Attunement,’ I would like to have seen more examples of how teachers can build their awareness and sensitivity, especially with children who don’t give us straightforward cues. Young people don’t always clearly signal to us what they need. Louise is good at translating a theory into a framework for thinking about behaviours and interventions, but I am not confident that the ‘five states’ that she uses is well researched or evidenced. When a young person becomes more fidgety, is that really a change in a child’s state of being? Should I be thinking about switching to a sensory intervention, or could it just be that my pupils don’t see the relevance of what I am teaching?
 
There is a danger that we think too much in terms of trauma concepts. In my opinion, schools can be genuinely scary and stressful places, and we must be cautious about jumping too quickly into thinking that a child’s behaviour is due to ‘faulty neuroception.’ Similarly, as teachers, we need to keep the bigger picture in view. The behaviours in our class could be due more to our pedagogy or the fact that kids are bored.
 
There are some nuggets of wisdom in this book: Louise links an understanding of how children are impacted by trauma to her experience of what actions really make a difference. Some interventions sound simple, but in practice they take real skill. I found Louise’s explanation of how to use PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy) really helpful. I can tell from her examples of when to switch between empathy and curiosity that she has used this approach and has had to work with children who are struggling to accept an adult’s interest. Similarly, her advice on relational repair is worth reading; there is a very helpful summary of how to provide relational repair in her model of a relationship policy for schools.
 
Louise’s thinking is often insightful: she clearly identifies the gap between what we know about trauma and attachment and how that affects our practice, and this book attempts to address that gap. There is helpful advice, but I felt that in places we get ahead of the science. We need theoretical frameworks and an evidence-base for teaching young people, but we mustn’t lose sight of the complexity of teaching. As teachers, the danger is becoming too rigid or limited in our thinking if we oversimplify the science.

David Woodier

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Book of the Month - April 2017 Adapting Approaches 

1/4/2017

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​​** OUT OF PRINT **

THIS BOOK HAS BEEN REVISED AND REPUBLISHED AS "Parenting Strategies to Help Adopted and Fostered Children with Their Behaviour"

ADAPTING APPROACHES - Understanding Behaviour in Traumatised Children

By Christine Gordon, co-author of ‘“Reparenting the Child Who Hurts: A Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma and Attachments’’”.[2012] and “New Families, Old Scripts: A Guide to the Language of Trauma and Attachment in Adoptive Families”. [2006]
 
A new, practical A4 sized workbook with thirty five charts identifying behaviours  possible attachment/ developmental trauma issues, triggers and most importantly ‘’what can I do?’’’’

‘What a fantastic resource for all who are concerned with parenting, teaching and supporting children who have experienced developmental trauma.
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As the title suggests, Christine Gordon explains so articulately and thoroughly why children who have been harmed in their early years can be very challenging to parent, how the children feel about themselves, how they experience relationships and the world about them, how to support their ‘healing’ through Developmental Reparenting. The uniqueness and innovation in this resource is in the practical nature of connecting executive functioning difficulties – the  ‘why does my child do this?’  - to the ‘what can I do?’ and ‘what can I to say?’. 

Packed full of ideas, suggestions and resources for strategies and interventions, all so clearly written by Christine, and wonderfully illustrated by Corinne Watt, ‘Adapting Approaches – Understanding Behaviour in Traumatised Children’ is not to be missed – highly recommended.’ 

Edwina Grant
Chair of Scottish Attachment In Action

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Book of the Month March 2017 - The Attachment Aware School Series

1/3/2017

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This month we asked a group of teachers to review of Louise Bomber’s new series of books The Attachment Aware School Series.
  

The Key Adult in School
 
Excellent, readable and concise. This book will help key adults to understand the best way to support a pupil with relational trauma. Practical advice is provided on how the key adult can fulfil this role. Louise Bomber emphasizes the need for a pupil to feel secure in school through developing a positive relationship with a trusted adult who can act as an anchor to steady their journey.
 
This book confirmed a lot of what I have learned from working with looked after children. When I speak to a young person who has done well in education, they can always name specific adults who has made a difference by helping them overcome barriers in education. Many of these young people do not respond well to a behavioural interventions and need a relational approach. The use of regular, formal or informal, one to one check-ins are invaluable.  I think it is also important that Louise Bomber emphasizes the importance of the team around the child so that the responsibility does not lie with one person. Louise Bomber’s book is an excellent resource. I agreed with everything. My only concern is that schools will say they do not have sufficient resources. Bomber’s approach does involve a substantial shift from the behaviourist approach which is still the mainstay in most schools.
 
 
The Team Pupil in School
 
As LAC (Looked After Children) teacher working across a number of schools, both primary and secondary, I am involved with children from a wide variety of backgrounds with complex issues.
 
The Team Pupil aims to achieve better outcomes for children through showing how support can be coordinated so that everyone works from the same hymn sheet.
 
This book provides accessible diagrams, evidence from a variety of case studies, a useful glossary, and many strategies. It can also help me in my role of advising schools. It gives insight into the difficulties pupils face and ideas for staff training. I recommend this book to anyone who is working with children, but especially those supporting children with attachment issues.
 
 
The Key Teacher in School
 

The layout of this book is similar to a pocket-size travel guide and each chapter is carefully laid out with a colour coded summary of the key points.
 
Louise Bomber encourages the concept of working as part of team to support developmentally traumatised children in order for them to thrive in education. Bomber clearly defines the principal role of the class teacher as an educator who, using their understanding of attachment and trauma, adapts the curriculum and environment to support the learning needs of the pupil. Bomber offers suggestions about how this can be done. The pupil is viewed developmentally and the relationship between the teacher and the pupil is key to the pupil’s success in education.
 
One section of the book outlines the differences between attachment awareness practice and a behavioural management approach. Bomber encourages the use of a PACE approach to manage challenging situations and the use of “I wonder…” or “I have noticed that … ”. There are also exercises for the teacher to develop their own self-awareness.
 
I found this book was easy to read and I liked that each chapter was short and precise. It is written more in the style of brief notes but includes references to other books and websites within the main body of the text.
 

The Parent and Carer in School
 
An invaluable pocket guide for parents and carers. It gives practical strategies on how to work and collaborate with school staff, what to expect from the school, and the kind of support a parent or carer can provide at home. The final chapter helps parents and carers reflect on how they can meet their child's needs.
 
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The Senior Manager in School
 
I read this book after coming back from a meeting about a little girl who was struggling in school with the effects of past trauma. I could see how much the head teacher cared, and I could empathize as she struggled with the complexity of the issues. I wish I could have shared The Senior Manager in School with her.  It would have answered many questions about the young person’s behaviour. It would also have helped the head teacher understand her role in supporting the team of key adults around the young person.
 
Bomber clearly articulates the aims and responsibilities of the senior manager. For example, to select appropriate support staff to take on the role of Key Adult. She has practical suggestions regarding staff care, and there is good advice on including the anxious parent.
 
I would recommend this book because Louise Bomber understands trauma and attachment, and she understands the needs of schools and the complexities of classrooms and challenges teachers face. It is both informed and practical.
 
The support teachers for looked after children.
Inclusion Base, North Lanarkshire
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Book of the Month - March 2016 [The Whole Brain Child Workbook]

1/3/2016

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The Whole Brain Child Workbook by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
 
It took me a lot longer to write this review than I had intended. I began reading The Whole Brain Child Workbook but after the first chapter decided that I needed to put it to the test.

This is a book that is full of practical ideas for parents and carers. I also read this book with my ‘teacher’s hat’ on. This book could help those of us who work with children that don’t respond to the kinds of approaches we typically use in our classrooms.
 
We often expect that someone or something will change our young people’s behaviours. The premise of this book is different. It is the adult that changes first. When we learn to change our expectations and the way we respond to our children, we create an opportunity for our children to change.
 
I especially like the practical activities that help us attune and maintain connection with our children. There is a table of examples of the non-verbal ways we communicate that helped me think about how I can connect to children when they feel overwhelmed.
 
The book also gives practical advice on how to help children integrate thinking and feelings through activities that encourage awareness of flight or fight type emotions, memories, and their own minds.
 
We should be cautious about offering for panaceas for parenting difficulties. As parents, carers, or teachers, even if we have the right intentions, we don’t always have the inner resources needed to change the way we respond. I would recommend using this book as part of a group. It would make it more fun and allow us to learn from others’ experiences.
 
The central theme of this book is that difficult behaviours may come from a lack of integration in the way the brain works. “We need all the parts to work as an integrated whole in order for us to function at our best” (p. 10). My concern is that by talking about right versus left brain types of thinking the authors may be oversimplifying what is still an emerging picture coming from neuroscience. But don’t let this put you off from reading this book. As I read it, I found myself thinking, “That is a really creative way of helping young people and parents.”
 
Overall, this is a well-thought out and practical book. It helped me as a parent and as a teacher. Even now as I finish writing this review, I am thinking about how I can respond differently to one of my own kids when they get home from school!
 
David Woodier, adopter and teacher
​[David is also the chief blogger over at SAIA]


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Book of the Month - October 2015 [The Teacher’s Introduction to Attachment]

1/10/2015

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The Teacher’s Introduction to Attachment: Practical Essentials for Teachers, Carers and School Support Staff by Nicola Marshall

Teaching colleagues and school support staff are frequently in search of knowledge, understanding and skills to assist them in meeting the needs of some of our most vulnerable children- those who have experienced early developmental trauma. 

Within education circles some would argue that meeting the needs of this group of children presents one of the greatest challenges to fostering an inclusive education system and to realising the aspirations of Getting it Right for Every Child.

Nicola Marshall’s book is a helpful addition to the range of resources designed to support staff and carers to respond positively to the often complex challenges presented by children with attachment difficulties. 

She describes her book as a “down to earth, practical and accessible look at the world of attachment and trauma, particularly in educational settings” – and that is precisely what it is. 

While drawing on the work of many well-known writers and practitioners in the field, notably Dan Hughes, Bruce Perry, Kate Cairns and Louise Bomber amongst others, Marshall expresses the hope that the reader will find that her book comes from a real place of experience. The experience she refers to is that of being the parent of three adopted children, who she describes as being the reason for the book; having given her the inspiration to try to help others understand the impact of early trauma on children.

                 “The key to most things in life is awareness and understanding.
                   Once you have that the strategies are easier to find”. 


While there can be little doubt of the truth of this statement, many teachers may assert that while the understanding is essential, it is not sufficient, and that what is needed in schools is the means to implement practical effective strategies on a day to day basis. The fact that Nicola Marshall manages to cover both theory and practical strategy, and more importantly link them meaningfully in a relatively short 147 pages should add to the appeal of this book for busy school staff. 

The book is divided into four parts. Part 1 looks at theory and starts from the perspective of some of the puzzling behaviours and responses of traumatised children, acknowledging that we need to ‘take a step back’ and look at what may have happened in the lives of children before they came to school, to really understand the feelings behind the behaviours they present. This is a fundamentally important point, highlighting as it does that effective support for children needs to look beyond and behind behaviour. Teachers and other school staff frequently report that ‘traditional’ and often tried and tested approaches are simply not effective and this can lead to frustration and hopelessness for staff and children alike.

This section covers trauma, its meaning and causes as well as describing the attachment cycle, brain development, the consequences of disrupted attachment and attachment styles. Marshall acknowledges that there is more to say on this subject but her hope is that there is sufficient information in this to allow an understanding and that readers will be inspired to seek a greater depth of understanding through the references and resources provided. Although I have some reservations about describing attachment styles in a resource such as this, as it can reinforce the risk of tendencies to ‘classify’ and label children, there is enough in the later sections of this book to counter- balance any such propensity.  

Part 2 focuses on the Guiding Principles of working to support children. In this section the principles outlined are – Relationships over Programmes, Emotional Age over Chronological Age, Structure over Chaos, Time in over Time out and Sensory Less over Sensory More.  These sound principles for working with children who have experienced trauma and disrupted attachment are helpful for practitioners not only in thinking about the needs of children but also in providing a framework for considering the application of supportive approaches in their particular context and setting.  As such they are useful in helping staff and carers to begin to think about the practical application of strategies with the children they work with on a day to day basis. 

Part 3 goes on to focus specifically on areas of concern in an effort to deepen understanding of the needs of children and some strategies which may be of benefit. This is a practical and helpful overview of some of the main issues and builds effectively of the previous sections covering toxic shame, identity, empathy, trust, control and self-reliance, self-regulation, memory and organisation and changes and transition. Each chapter considers the possible underlying causes of concern, examines the implications for the child and his/her development, the signs that the particular area may be a difficulty for the child and focuses on what can be done to help. It manages to give greater insight into the complex and puzzling behaviours which can perplex (and sometimes defeat staff and carers) as well as offering advice about effective strategies to support children to overcome early adversity and settle to learn. 

Marshall provides examples and weaves some of her own experiences throughout.  This gives the book the flavour of what she describes as ‘heart knowledge as well as head knowledge’ and as such will resonate with those experiencing the challenges of living with or working with traumatised children.
The final section of the book picks up some of the areas not readily captured by the previous parts and looks at, for example, the important issues of secondary stress, communication and triggers.  

It also has a short section on rewards in school – an area that can be especially difficult within a whole school context. Marshall suggests that there is a need for a conceptual shift towards a relational approach which focuses on encouraging expression and integration in order to help a child feel safe, nurtured and good about themselves. She also makes some important points about expectations of change and the resilience and tenacity needed by staff and carers to stick with children in their journey to overcome early adverse experience.

In summary, Nicola Marshall’s book is an easy to read and helpful contribution to the burgeoning resource for school staff and carers in their efforts to help children who have experienced trauma and disrupted attachment to flourish; and as its cover attests, will be a welcome addition to any school’s staff library.

Alison MacDonald
Principal Educational Psychologist  

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Book of the Month - May 2015 [8 Keys to Building Your Best Relationships by Daniel Hughes]

1/5/2015

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8 Keys to Building Your Best Relationships by Daniel A. Hughes

As a relationship counsellor, this book has impressed in the way it distils the roots and processes that so often lead to difficulties and conflict in relationships. It also offers insight and hope for relationships that can be very secure and fulfilling. 

Dan Hughes has translated theoretical concepts making them accessible to a wide audience, including the latest science behind relationships, making it a tool for husbands, wives, friends, lovers, professionals, business people, and parents. It would also add greatly to personal and social development curriculum within schools.

Personally I love models that break things down into smaller steps which build cohesive, integrated meaning. Dan does this really well and has combined his experience and understanding with lots of short case study examples and scenarios to make it easy to appreciate the relevance and importance of 
what he contributes here. As a reader already familiar with attachment theory I found the description of attachment styles much more easily understood and applicable to everyday life. 

Chapter and Key no 1 – Learn Why Attachment Matters lays out clearly the authority and standing of attachment theory, it’s usefulness and ultimately links the patterns of relating found in both children and adults to the behaviour that, when explained so insightfully, makes so much sense.

Key No 2 is - Know your Autobiography and be willing to rewrite it. In this chapter he leads the reader through 10 themes that help establish a stronger sense of who we are and the life factors that have contributed to it. Dan explains how re-experiencing the past can give new meaning and alter the influence these have on our present lives. A conclusion drawn is “….if you’ve been able to make sense of the events in your life – and the nature of your most influential relationships – and then develop a story that is organised and interwoven with different elements, you tend to be in the best position to develop healthy relationships.”

In Key no 3 the important areas of Brain and Biology are explored with reference to prominent researchers. Dan manages to craft explanations which make understanding concepts such as interpersonal neurobiology and social engagement remarkably easy. He gives everyday, credible examples to highlight his ideas which allow the reader to get a felt sense of what he attempts to explain.  It is becoming more and more accepted that neuroscience underpins attachment, and therefore relationships are a part of brain function. A key part of this chapter has to be a summary explanation of Dan’s signature PACE approach using Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy, with poignant examples to support and lay a foundation for how this can and does work in supporting anyone experiencing relationship difficulties.

Key no 4 looks at Building your Reflective Capacity. Here you are invited to consider a range of questions designed to cultivate a conscious presence within relationships. What do relationships mean to me? What am I like in relationships? How do I reflect on others? These questions drill down into more specific questions which tease out what we might be looking for and expecting from our relationships. These questions are designed to increase our awareness of both what we might look for and what we ourselves bring to our relationships.

Key number 5 starts with an example of a young female professional who had difficulties managing her emotions within friendship. This introduces the reader to an interesting chapter called – Build Your Emotional Competence. Here again we get a chance to consider “the mind” and how neuroscience has brought greater understanding of emotions and the complexities of brain function. Dan goes on to explain the wider body systems including the links between our heart and gut which all play a part in felt experience. I found the differentiation between Shame and Guilt useful with great insights into how and why these emotions become established within our emotional self through our early experiences. Looking at how relationships develop provides a helpful way of considering the tensions which ebb and flow in relationships around conflicting emotions and the common causes that lie beneath. Practical exercises support the building of the three characteristics of emotional competence – Knowing what you feel, communicating your feelings and managing your feelings. 

To Master Effective Communication is Key number 6 which looks at reciprocity within the context of taking turns in communication. I like the way Dan describes the pre-requisites of effective communication as an ability to listen and more importantly the ability to stay open and engaged, avoiding defensiveness. This is again well illustrated by examples that help the reader appreciate the different patterns of communication that emerge as relationships grow and change. Developing capacities like saying what you mean and asking for what you want are considered to highlight some subtleties of more effective communication. I love the way the reader is invited to consider the influence of non verbal communication which so often leads to misunderstanding and conflict. Our voice and our physiology often let us down and the examples offered help to understand how this can lead to conflict but also be a very effective part on the solution.

In addressing the reparative work Key No 7 is aptly titled – Tinker and Repair. Accepting that even the healthiest of relationships have problems, and as human beings we will all make mistakes at some point, this chapter looks at what we do, and indeed how we might deal better, when problems arise. The reassurance given around mistakes helps the reader feel OK about personal challenges and experiences.  “People in relationships need to be able to repair whatever conflicts emerge if the relationships are to become truly meaningful and lasting.” Dan goes onto to point out that “Avoiding conflicts leads to a more polite but superficial relationship,” going on to explain what he feels are the fundamental points about relationship tinkering and repair. These are headlined as – Decide if the relationships is more important than the conflict, Remember the importance of the relationship, Remember that assigning blame is counterproductive, Don’t deny or avoid: Address the conflict, Don’t endlessly replay conflict, Remember that behaviour has more than one meaning, Address one conflict at a time and finally Mistakes happen: Say your sorry. Period. In summary our ability to tinker and repair is enhanced when our focus moves towards the opportunity to strengthen our relationships rather than to any risk to its durability when we experience conflicts.

The final Key and Chapter is titled Balance Autonomy with Intimacy. An autonomous attachment, as explained in previous chapters, provides both the safety and satisfaction that promotes balance in relationships. However, to feel fulfilled across your life, that wider awareness needs to reflect that “You are not a passive recipient of your life; you are active in creating it.” All of the work from the previous Keys comes together here to illustrate how knowing yourself and the impact of your story provides the platform for meaning and understanding which grows awareness. The example given in this chapter highlights how relationship difficulties develop. The autonomy which was a factor in the partner’s attraction is readily given up changing the rhythm and dynamics of the relationship beginning a cycle of dependency pushing the other away. The moral of this is that no person can be the source of another’s happiness. It is in the sharing of the uniqueness of two autonomous individuals that rich and fulfilling relationships thrive. This does not mean other relationships can’t last or don’t work but it highlights clearly that they will not be deep and fulfilling. 

In pulling the collection of 8 Keys together Dan has provided a valuable tool for building and maintaining balance in autonomy and intimacy within relationships. In claiming that “Your past relationships do not have to dictate your future relationships”, strategies are offered to increase the meaning of relationships in your life and exercises to help you establish how you may have contributed to past relationships and where you have made relationships difficult. A framework is offered for starting a journal, recording important features of yourself which can be used to promote and preserve your autonomy while allowing space for important relationships to develop and grow. This is further developed with a longer term use of a journal being used to compare and guide us towards sustainable healthy relationships. In the final paragraph Dan reminds us of the importance of being Playful, Accepting, Curious and Empathic to keep us on track with both our relationship with our self and our relationships with others. I thoroughly recommend this book.

Kevin Denvir
Relationship Counsellor

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Book of the Month - April 2015 [No-Drama Discipline: The whole brain way to calm chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne]

1/4/2015

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No-Drama Discipline: The whole brain way to calm chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind by Daniel J. Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD  

As a trainer working in the area of attachment and trauma I spend my time talking to parents, teachers and other professionals about connecting with hurt children. While most people can see the need for attunement, empathy and forming positive relationships with insecurely attached children, the issue of discipline is invariably a stumbling block for many. We are so culturally conditioned to thinking about reinforcement as a way of increasing positive and reducing ‘bad’ behaviour that we struggle with the concept of relationship being more transformative than reinforcement. 

“Isn’t that rewarding bad behaviour?” “That’s mollycoddling!”, “How will they learn right from wrong?” are typical responses when you advocate ditching the time outs, star charts and punitive sanctions in favour of validating the feelings behind the behaviour to maintain regulation and encourage reflection. So I was delighted to review No Drama Discipline, which encourages parents to “avoid any discipline approach that is aggressive, inflicts pain, or creates fear or terror.” Readers familiar with Dan Hughes’ parenting attitude will probably have a few bells ringing by now and for me Dan Siegel is right up there with Dan Hughes in providing practical, straightforward and do-able parenting advice. In fact, there is a noticeable overlap between what Siegel, a neurobiologist, and Hughes, a dyadic developmental psychotherapist, advocate in parenting, namely connect with the child to correct the behaviour. Reassuringly, both Siegel and his co-author, psychotherapist, Tina Payne Bryson, are also parents.

So, before we even hit chapter 1, the authors ask us to forget all traditional concepts of discipline and open our minds to a different approach that will not only reap immediate rewards but also encourage children to become more reflective self-disciplined people in the long term. Interestingly, this is a book for all parents, not just those of us who are parenting traumatised children. It’s an example of how approaches, which work with the most difficult-to-parent children gradually, filter into the mainstream. 

Over the next six chapters and throughout the conclusion the authors take the reader on a journey from being a parent/carer/teacher who simply reacts to behaviour to a person who reflects on feelings and redirects the child to alternative ways of expression. They consider the 20 discipline mistakes even great parents make. Unsurprisingly, these include focusing too much on consequences instead of teaching and worrying about what other people think (who hasn’t been there?). Siegel references his famous hand model of the brain, which teaches children about their upstairs (cortex) and downstairs (mid and brainstem) parts of the brain and what it really means to flip your lid. He also discusses how we encourage what he has branded mindsight (empathy 
and reflection) in children. The book is peppered with simple, yet useful cartoons illustrating examples of good and not so good parenting responses and bursting with examples of what it means to be consistent yet flexible, validating rather than dismissive, and curious rather than lecturing, criticising or blaming. throughout it all, the authors are adamant that good discipline follows eight key principles: 
1. Discipline is essential. Children need clear, consistent boundaries
2. Effective discipline depends on a loving respectful adult – child relationship
3. Discipline means teach, not punish
4. We need to pay attention to the child’s feelings – misbehaving is usually about not handling big feelings very well.
5. Children need us most when they are behaving at their worst
6. We need to regulate children before they are ready to learn
7. We regulate through connecting and comforting
8. When children feel the comfort and connection they are more ready to take redirection.

It’s simple in essence, but it is hard to do this stuff all the time. Even the greatest parents get tired, hungry, ill, fed up and sick of it all and we tend to behave childishly when we don’t get our own needs met. Both authors acknowledge this and offer some examples of how they got it so horribly wrong with their own children. It’s brave of them to admit and there is a curious comfort in thinking, “hmm if Dan Siegel can lose his temper and swear I can’t be doing too badly.”

This is a book I would recommend for parents, carers, childminders, teachers, youth leaders, in fact anyone working with children and young people. It is authoritative, accessible, realistic and caring. Its not brilliantly written and it could probably be a bit shorter without losing anything of real value but as a book dedicated to discipline, its probably one of the best I’ve come across. 

Sheila Lavery

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