​By Your Side Foster Carer and Adopter Guide: support for children moving families
by Vivien Norris (The Family Place 2019),
reviewed by Sheila Lavery
 
Transitions are understandably difficult for care-experienced children, not least because of the huge losses they involve or rekindle. Chief among these are the transitions from birth family to temporary foster care and from foster care to permanency.  

We expect a lot from children when we leave them to manage these moves without respecting their relational history and their ability to make sense of the conflicting and potentially overwhelming feelings such transitions involve.
 
So I was thrilled to read and review By Your Side, by Vivien Norris, Clinical Director of the Family Place. This genuinely trauma-informed guide for supporting both children and adults involved in the move to permanency joins the ranks of Norris’s other publications including Parenting with Theraplay (with Helen Rodwell) and Not Again Little Owl. This review is in respect of the foster carer and adopter guide, which forms part of a wider resource package including a practitioner guide and training programmes.
 
By Your Side acknowledges that starting well is crucial in adoption. It aims to do this by establishing a model of collaboration and containment. It employs DDP and Theraplay to provide consistency, playful connection, a coherent narrative, routines and rituals and a level of caring engagement so a child remains seen, heard and valued at a time when practicalities and planning often take precedence over emotional connection. The book aims to help the adults develop greater insight and empathy when moving a child. That means the adults must cooperate, manage their own feelings and model mind-mindedness and containment for the child.
 
It’s interesting that even though we know how attachments are built through rupture and repair we fail to use the huge rupture of transition as a critical attachment building opportunity and indeed, a key responsibility. Likewise, we may fail to recognise that the liminal space of transition between what was and what is yet to come is not a void but an opportunity for growth. Norris’s guide is hugely valuable in addressing this area.
 
 The manual begins by listing the seven core principles of the approach (see above) and defines the terms attachment and trauma, which helps to clarify the content that follows. The principles give a framework, goals and everyday examples of the By Your Side approach while providing the flexibility needed for every child and family’s unique experience.
 
By Your Side recognizes that the practical tasks of permanent placements and the excitement of a “forever” family means that adults often minimize or ignore the very real feelings of anxiety, grief, frustration, sadness, confusion etc., that a child may struggle to manage. In doing so we begin or continue a culture of, “if we don’t look at the tough stuff, it will go away” or we wait until a child is settled before addressing challenges. Norris addresses the reality of dealing with what comes up, as it comes up, in the here and now because that’s what being present for a child really means. She also asks us to consider our use of language and a child’s understanding of terms like “forever family”. It’s important to be curious about how those words fit with the child’s experience of family and the concept of forever, given the child’s current feeling state and developmental stage. For example, might we not distinguish between “first family”, “helping family” and “keeping family” rather than the usual fostering, adoption and care-order terminology.
 
What I liked most about this guide is that it puts attachment into action in this minute and every minute that we engage with a child, not somewhere down the line. It makes attachment the responsibility of each one of us involved in the child’s journey, not just the job of the “forever family”. Despite the abundance of attachment and trauma language on everyone’s lips, attachment is still not alive in the detail of care planning. There is still an expectation that a child will transfer attachment from one set of parents to another because it’s in their best interests. The system struggles to hold simultaneously the view of what is needed in the here and now with a long view of permanency. In reality minimising the pain of the transition undermines the chances of “permanency” or ‘forever” from the outset. When placements are not managed well subsequent transitions often become problematic and the adolescent transitions can become so difficult as to challenge the stability of everyone’s place in a “forever family”.
 
The sensitivity of the transfer of care from foster carer to permanent parent in the By Your Side approach means the adults can hold the child and the practitioners can hold the adult carers throughout the transitional process. For anyone familiar with DDP and Theraplay the detail of this approach will seem very familiar. I guess what is new is the packaging of those principles into a practical resource with a refreshing view of the space between temporary care and permanency as a bridge rather than a void.
 
As an adopter I questioned how some of the approach would work in practice. I was reassured that the midway review in the process could pick up on the fragility of some situations and the professionals could bolster any support needed for the child. Practitioners using the approach would need to be very skilled, hence the accompanying training, and the support system would need to be very robust. I’m also curious about what other supports might be available to help the adults in this vulnerable period. Still, it’s a great resource. Thinking as I often do these days about adoption disruption, the content of this guide is not only relevant to getting off to a good start in permanent placements, but together with the practitioner guide and training it would be a hugely valuable resource for repairing the hurt in families when the “forever” bubble is fit to burst and it provides a model of collaboration and support that gives adoption placements their best chance of success throughout the lifespan.

Not Again, Little Owl by Vivien Norris

Not Again, Little Owl is a therapeutic story book specially written for children moving from short term foster care to a permanent placement, whether adoption or foster care.

The writer, Vivien Norris, is a clinical psychologist, music therapist and DDP practitioner who has many years of experience of therapeutic work with families and adoption.

She wrote the book because she found that the transition to adoption books available tended to have an adult agenda and focus only on the positives. She saw the need for a story which would acknowledge the child’s distress and help the adults to see and engage with it.
 
The book tells the story of Little Owl who is living with his Mummy, who doesn’t look after him properly. Rabbit decides this is not good enough and takes him to his Granny who can’t keep up with his energy. Fox and Hedgehog can’t manage to look after him either, but then Rabbit takes him to stay with Badger who understands his fears and helps work out his “muddles”. When Rabbit arrives again to take him to say with Squirrel who will look after him forever, Little Owl is upset and wary. However, Rabbit, Squirrel and Badger work together to help him move and at last Little Owl can begin to settle into his new home.
 
The book is nicely illustrated using children’s drawings and offers opportunities for conversations about the realities of the multiple transitions that children can experience before moving to an adoptive family.  While the sadness and loss associated with these moves is acknowledged in the story, there is also hope and understanding. This book would be an invaluable tool for social workers, foster carers and adopters who need to open up discussions with children about moves in a sensitive and non-threatening way.
 
Jane Steele
Trainer/Consultant
Adoption and Fostering Alliance (AFA) Scotland 
The Adoption and Fostering Alliance (AFA) Scotland is an independent, charitable organisation dedicated to Not Again, Little Owlimproving outcomes for children in care by providing support to all those working in the field of adoption, fostering and the care of looked after children.

The Meltdown kids: Sensory solutions to everyday situations
[Box Set of 7 books]
By Linda Plowden OT and Hugo Plowden, illustrations by Peter McNaney

Reviewed by Lucky Lucy, a sensory challenged 22 1/2  year old.

First up, this is the story of my school life in a box! I found school really really hard even though I went to a very good school and these books explain some of the reasons why. I picked up the books because the title was intriguing. I laughed at it at first and then got annoyed. The books described me, but if anybody had used the term ‘meltdown’ to describe my behaviour when I was growing up they would really have seen what a meltdown was. Meltdown implies a bit of a strop, like just not getting your own way, it doesn’t convey the level of distress involved for the kids in these stories. There are seven books in the box covering the seven days of the week- why not just call it The Sensory Seven?

Mayhem Monday is completely relatable. The wee girl Jody has to get up for school on a Monday morning and because her mum, dad and sister all hound her to get out of bed and get dressed for school she loses it with them all. That’s spot on. What people don’t get is that wearing scratchy or uncomfortable clothes feel so overwhelming it completely dominates your thinking so if somebody talks to you at the same time as your clothes are irritating you it feels like the voice is part of the irritation - you can’t shout at your clothes so the person talking to you gets a mouthful. I always took it out on my mum because she was the one getting me up in the morning and you don’t want to leave your cosy bed, which is your safe place.
​People don’t understand how stiff and uncomfortable school uniforms are. We had plastic bits in the shirt collars, we had to keep the top button closed and we had to wear a tie – seriously, that feels like you are hanging, especially when the shirts are new or freshly ironed. Then you get that weird static feeling from acrylic jumper like its clinging to your skin. It is so claustrophobic you can’t think of anything else. I used to open my top button so I could breathe and then I’d get a note. If you got three bad notes in a week you’d get a detention. Can you imagine what it feels like to do the one thing you know will help you feel better and then get punished for it? Schools need to understand that when you feel better you learn more.

Tricky Tuesday. Just reading this makes me feel what William is going through. I would have hated all that change. Having a new teacher coming up and touching me would instantly make me feel 100 times more alert. You just don’t come up behind somebody and touch them, especially if you are bigger, more powerful and a stranger! I need to see someone face on so I can size them up. The teacher also expected William to sit in the middle of the room.
Kids like William and me need to sit with a wall behind us or in a corner, so you can see everyone, nobody can come up behind you and you know where the door is if you have to leave quickly. Where you sit makes a big difference to how vigilant you need to be in class. When William goes into survival mode and climbs the tree, Mr Shah says he will climb up and get him because it is not safe up there. But William is up there because it feels a lot safer than being on the ground. The tree becomes William’s safe space, and it is never okay to go into somebody’s safe space? You always ask permission. William’s mum gets called to the school. Mum gives him some crunchy cheese and crackers to bring him back to his senses and water in his sports bottle. Brilliant! I mean who doesn’t love a flip-up lid? It is a perfectly disguised, socially acceptable baby bottle – an instant soother and you can have a wee chew on it if you need to. 

Wobbly Wednesday. In brief, Wobbly Wednesday is about PE. I hated PE so I identify with Ben daydreaming in goal. Like him, I couldn’t be expected to concentrate when all the action was down the other end of the pitch. Also, why stand up on your own when you can sit down, make daisy chains and look for lady bugs like I did?  Anyway, goal is too much pressure. Practising does make a difference and encouragement from your friends really makes you want to do well. Friends make all the difference to school. 
Of course PE is also about the uniform issue again. As if it’s not annoying enough to put your uniform on in the morning, you have just broken yourself into it when you have to take it off, put on a PE kit with shorts! Not even jogging bottoms! And that horrible plasticky elastic around your waist, yuck. Then, when you are all sweaty you have to put your uniform on again and get back to school work. Let me explain what that feels like. It’s like putting a tight tee shirt on back to front and then wriggly around inside it to get it turned round but it doesn’t move properly. It feels like that all day after PE. It should be mandatory that PE comes at the end of the day, so you can go home in your kit and change into something comfortable.

Terrible Thursday. Oh what? This is definitely a week in the life of Lucy! Seriously, this is genuinely my life. Katie goes to the supermarket with her aunt, who sends her to look for four things. I couldn’t do that. One thing at a time please! Also, sending Katie for things where there is a lot of choice is a non-starter. She needs a description, or even better, like in the book, pictures. Bright lights are off putting – they’re not a huge deal for me but I can see why they would bother Katie. Sucking the lolly is a great idea because it regulates you. As the shop was new to Katie, her aunt should have done a walk around with her first so it wasn’t so frightening.
When I was at school, I wouldn’t walk the corridors between classes on my own. I was lucky because my friends understood my quirks and there was always somebody to walk with me, which anchored me. In shops, my mum used to say if we ever got separated just stay in the shop and she would find me because she would never leave without me. That helped when we did get separated because you can very quickly feel forgotten. Busy places with lots of people still scare me.

Frightening Friday. The restaurant scene. Again, the seating issue comes up. Sit in a corner or against a wall and look into the face of someone you know. In this story, things get so heated in the restaurant that Jack ends up under the table and his step dad tries to pull him out by the ankle. NO, NO, NO! I am pulling my feet under me as I read this. You don’t ever grab anybody by the ankle or the wrist. I don’t know what it is about it but its like having someone’s hands round your neck – it is terrifying! I would have stabbed him with my fork!
On a more positive note scoping the restaurant when its quiet is a good idea, previewing the menu – we do that! It sounds silly to some people but a new menu is not a pleasant surprise it is the suspense of the unknown – check it out first. Even seeing what the food looks like is a good idea. I mean I love gravy, but there’s all different kinds of gravy and I don’t want it poured all over my food. Restaurants can be intimidating, its not like being at home where your mum can scrape off the weird bits or pick out the green things, which can be a bit embarrassing, especially when you’re 22, LOL.  It made a big difference to Jack that the adults tried to understand what was difficult for him and helped him out. It is always calming driving around in the car and remember people need time to feel comfortable in a new place. If you are rushed into settling, you never settle.

Scary Saturday. I don’t have a lot to say about this book except I identify with the clothes thing. Also, don’t force a child to join in at parties, let him do his own thing until he finds his way. Any big exciting events can make you feel a bit wobbly so prepare children for change and excitement and the sensory environment of a birthday party. The scene where Nathan stuffs his hands into Danny’s birthday cake could easily be read as jealousy but I think its more about Nathan thinking if all the attention is on Danny, they’ll forget about me. It really helps to include Nathan in the preparation as the excitement can be overwhelming.
When me and my sister had birthdays my grandma always used to give the other one an “unbirthday” card and an “unbirthday” present. Blowing up the balloons is also a good idea.
  
Stressful Sunday. Sunday’s are always stressful because it’s the day before going back to school. Homework doesn’t help. But here’s the thing parents, don’t point out the obvious – we know we should tell you sooner that we have homework but we don’t want to do it so if we don’t write it down or talk about it then we can pretend it isn’t real until of course we are forced to do it. But going on about it will make us want to tell you less.
I completely identify with Ryan. I don’t think anybody gets how hard homework is – it’s not laziness, it’s mental exhaustion. I felt bad about not doing homework but I just couldn’t. However hard work is in school it is 100 times harder at homework time – even when it’s things you can do reasonably well at school – it’s like doing all your schoolwork in a different language. Ryan’s parents doing his homework for him reminds me of my mum. The colour coding and strategies from the senco also help, but more in school than at home.

I like these books. They highlight how difficult everyday things are for children with sensory challenges through simple stories and clear examples. They flag up the problem, why it might have occurred and offer easy solutions. Children with sensory difficulties are not bad kids, we do our best – we want to go shopping, do PE and join in but it’s not that simple. It’s pointless saying, “calm down”. Believe me, if we could we would! Adults need to recognise that when children have ‘meltdowns’ there’s nothing wrong with the child, there is something wrong with the situation so just take a step back, breathe and reflect. I also like that the adults in the books ask for help. I think it’s easy for parents and teachers to feel overwhelmed when they don’t understand the situation. It’s not the parents’ fault, it’s not the child’s fault, it just is what it is. We all need to help each other out.

Lucky Lucy
A sensory challenged 22 1/2  year old

Parenting Strategies to Help Adopted and Fostered Children with Their Behaviour by Christine Gordon

​The wonderful wisdom in this book is a most welcome addition for any parent, professional or educator supporting children with difficult to understand behaviour. Although the focus of the book is on children affected by early trauma, (especially children who are fostered or adopted) the strategies and
underpinning knowledge is universally valuable. I found the book to be full of insights which have deepened my understanding of parenting and working with children who have had a difficult start in life.

The book offers a unique contribution to the literature on parenting children with early life trauma due to the inclusion of the invaluable behaviour charts which make up the second half of the book. The charts explain the underlying causes of many common behaviours children affected by trauma display, with useful insights and strategies for interpreting and supporting behaviour when it arises.

It is very understanding of the struggles many adults have in caring for traumatised children and helps you feel understood and validated.
It is not easy caring for children with trauma histories and when a book like this come along it provides light at the end of an often very long tunnel. 

This book helps carers make the shift from seeing behaviour as:
Challenging to distressed
What is wrong with you? to What has happened to you?
What are you doing? to What is your behaviour trying to tell me?
and from focusing only on behaviour to wondering about the meaning and the deeper communication.

The uniqueness and value in this book lies not only in the author's obvious knowledge and expertise, but the clear and applicable charts which really do help decipher and translate behaviour into communication. I have my copy beside my bed and refer to it often. This not only helps me, but ensures my adopted children get a more understanding and supportive parent.

 Kevin Denvir
​(Adoptive parent, foster carer and ASN teacher)

THIS MONTH'S REVIEW IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT -
A POSTER AND PRACTICE NOTES FROM THE FAMILY PLACE
​
Using Theraplay to support transitions from fostering to adoption by Dr Vivien Norris and Sally Twigger.

Dr Norris begins the practice notes by stating “Although it is widely recognised that support over the transition from fostering to adoption is essential, many are uncertain how best to do this in practice”.

We recognise that transition is a complex process which carries with it many hopes and expectations for all involved.  It can be a tense and emotional time for the child the adopters, the foster carers and professionals.

Prospective adoptive parents will all have had their own particular journey to adoption, they will have attended preparation groups, have under taken an intensive home study , been to an approval panel and will have known the details of the child they have been matched with for a number of weeks, and will be desperate to meet and claim the child.  The adopters will want to begin to get to know the child to establish a relationship as soon as possible.  They may also feel nervous about being surrounded by other people who know the child well.  This can result in adopters feeling vulnerable and intimidated by an experienced foster carer who has effectively built up and managed a relationship with their child. 

The co-ordination process can be emotionally painful for foster carers who have cared for the child for a long time sometimes from birth.  Foster carers will have supported the child through some difficult experiences.  They will have integrated the child into their family and will have developed empathy for the child’s experience.  They will have supported the child to meet their developmental milestones and will have established rhythms’ and routines that the child will be familiar with.  Many foster carers can experience difficult feelings about the imminent separation from a child in their care.  This can be even more complicated and sensitive if the foster carers have previously expressed an interest in caring for the child on a permanent basis.

The workers have also known the child and supported the child through difficult and distressing times.  They will have contact with the birth family and will have facilitated family contact which is often fraught.  They will have been instrumental in removing birth parents parental rights and responsibilities and are invested in securing a good outcome for the child parents who will meet the child’s life long needs and offer the child an opportunity to heal, grow and develop.  In my experience everyone comes to co-ordination with hopes, dreams and high expectations, and it is possible to lose sight of the child’s needs when so many conflicting adult needs are at the forefront.

In her piece Dr Norris reminds us that children who are transitioning from one family to another, and who have a history of developmental trauma face complex difficulties.  They are likely to have a fragile sense of trust in adults and sensitivity to being triggered into a survival state, or to regress to earlier ways of relating which means they may move away from rather than towards their main attachment figure (the foster carer) at times of significant stress.  They are also likely to hide their fear and miscue; that is to give signals that they are fine and self-sufficient when they are feeling frightened.  In addition their capacity to think and make sense of what is happening to them is likely to be highly compromised and exacerbated by fear.  They may not be able to process and retain information or respond to logic and their sense of time may be distorted. Foster carers will often report that things have been explained clearly to a child but ‘they act as if they haven’t heard it’.  Alongside age related development and a child’s concept of time, children who are highly anxious may be able only to think in minutes or seconds and any discussion of the future beyond that may be meaningless.  This obviously presents challenges in terms of how to be of most help to children who are moving family.

The purpose of a transition is to move a child from their foster carers to their  adoptive parents.  This is usually achieved.  In my opinion that makes how we do the co-ordination even more important as we should be child focussed and protective of the child recognising their distress as described by Dr Norris.
The co-ordination plan focuses on practical arrangements but these arrangements should be put in place to support the child to transfer their sense of trust from his primary care giver to their adoptive parents. 
Dr Norris’s approach helps us to put the child in the centre and supports the child to make use of their main attachment figure.

With my colleagues I have put into practice Dr Norris’s approach to good effect. The use of theraplay in transition has made everyone more aware of the importance of transferring established loving ritual.  We are more conscious of need to know more about the child’s rhythms and to transfer these from the foster carer to the adopters. We are more conscious of putting in place a co-ordination plan aims minimise the trauma that the child will experience during the transition.  We want to know what soothes and what excites the child.  We pay greater attention to the continuity of the sensory environment and to the non verbal means of communication such as touch, play, music and transitional objects.

I have found the poster helpful, as it supports us to think about the impact of developmental trauma and the implication for the child when they are experiencing another move.  It is helpful to think about potential issues, the implications and goals that underpin the transition process.

This model recognises the foster carer as central in supporting the child throughout coordination and it is essential that they are well prepared for and well supported throughout this process.  Their social worker has a crucial role in relation to this and needs to be available to the foster carer during the co-ordination process.  Foster carers need to be enabled to undertake this piece of work and it is important that other departmental demands are kept to a minimum where possible (e.g. additional foster placements, LAC Reviews for the child).

As Dr Norris points out even children who are well prepared for moving placements can find the experience confusing and anxiety provoking.  This model recognises and accepts the child’s experience and helps us all to remain child focused throughout this difficult and challenging process.

I would recommend that all workers, foster carers and adopters read Dr Norris’s piece alongside her chapter in "Healing the Hidden Hurts".

Anne MacKenzie 
Senior Practitioner at City of Edinburgh Council

'Facilitating Meaningful Contact in Adoption and Fostering' by Louis Sydney and Elsie Price.

This is the first book I’ve read that tackles the issues involved in contact between adopted and foster children and their birth family. It considers the various forms of contact from direct contact, social media contact to occasional letterbox contact and even considers the impact on children where contact is not possible. It looks at the impact of contact on babies who are in foster care and who are involved in travelling to and from contact.  

The book starts with a consideration of the nature of contact today and in particular explores contact in the context of the, often, traumatic nature of children’s experiences prior to being accommodated. It looks at the neurological impact of early trauma and its impact on children’s ability to form attachments. The book stresses the importance of looking at contact in the context of children’s history and the way contact might impact children’s current attachment patterns and ways of managing. The authors are clear that contact should reflect children’s needs and be seen as an opportunity to help children repair from the impact of early traumatic experiences. The book’s use of case examples brings the points the authors want to emphasise alive; they demonstrate, in a practical way, how their views on contact can be put into practice.

Chapter two provides a clear explanation of the rationale for facilitating contact and clearly outlines how to prepare for and support such contact. This, for me, is essential reading for professionals considering how to manage contact in a way that is therapeutic for children. 

The book goes on to consider the impact of contact for babies and toddlers and invites readers to consider what contact does to babies and toddlers in terms of their attachments and ability to trust. The book goes on to consider ‘goodbye contact’ for children who are moving from temporary to permanent care. Given the potential for future contact through, for example, social media the authors suggest that the ‘goodbye contact’ should be renamed ‘goodbye for now contact’.

The book considers not only contact between children and their birth parents but also contact between siblings who are not living together. It considers the impact when children have different experiences; for example when children experience a disrupted placement. 

I would recommend this book as essential reading for all professionals working in the field of fostering and adoption. The book will also be helpful for foster carers and adopters who are involved in contact arrangements. It will help them consider the potential impact of contact arrangements and therefore assist parents in supporting their children. 

Christine Gordon
ADAPT Scotland

THESE REVIEWS ORIGINALLY APPEARED ON THE SCOTTISH ADOPTION WEBSITE AND ARE REPRODUCED WITH PERMISSION

The Confusing World of Brothers, Sisters and Adoption By Regina. M .Kupecky
 
This simple to read workbook is the 3rd in a series of workbooks based on 'The Adoption Club' , a fictional support club for adopted children aged 5-11. The book is intended  not only for social workers, counsellors or therapists working with children in this age bracket, but also for adoptive parents.

Being an adoptive parent myself, I was glad to see that it stretches to no more than 45 pages, and  as it's a simple read,I was able get through a first reading quite easily over a cup of coffee while my youngsters attended a sports club after school. 

Mrs Bright, the counselor at the Adoption Club, is the main character and she takes you through the social histories of the different children who attend the club. A wide range of children from different backgrounds and experiences are described in child friendly language and while the individual characters may not exactly match the particular children you are working with, they are general enough to find common similarities with the type of child likely to be encountered in any school or club settings today.

Each  character description  provides a follow up  section where feelings can be explored and questions recorded. Such as feelings of separation and loss of a sibling,  being an only child  or inheriting a new brother or sister and the emotional conflict that this brings.  I found that these exercises provide good story starters for my children who find it difficult to begin expressing their thoughts openly and  who find the security of talking through the personality of a third person reassuring.

As second timer newly adoptive dads we had a giggle when we read about the ups downs of having a new wee brother join the family.  It was reassuring  to think that the exhibited behaviours we are witnessing at home are no more than the normal readjustment interactions between two boys getting used to having to share time and space, and that our boys, much like those boys depicted at the club, are going through all this too. Its not only just us!

This book provides an easy to read set of activities which you can choose to work through with your child or young person or just to pick up from when relationships need to be explored a little further.  Failing that you could always all just sit down on the couch and watch an episode of Modern Family on the TV together!
 
-An Adoptive Dad.