Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges by Mona Delahooke PhD

If you are a parent, teacher, mental health professional or find yourself working with any children who struggle with behaviour at home, in school or in the wider community then go buy this book NOW…. It makes so much sense?

Looking after a child with trauma and anxiety, who is neurodiverse or autistic, or who has received any diagnosis which include symptoms of challenging behaviors (RAD, ODD, PDA, DMDD, PTSD, DTD, IED, ADHD, etc.) is highly complex and often demanding. It is impossible however, to have the positive influence we would all wish for without a good understanding of the causes.

Child Psychologist, Dr. Mona Delahooke has put into words so clearly and brilliantly what needs to be known about the most challenging kids in our communities and classrooms. In a compelling, compassionate, and easy-to-read format, she has addressed many of the false assumptions that underpin out-dated behaviour management systems. More importantly she proposes a refreshingly compassionate and brain-based approach. Instead of following the traditional path of rewards and consequences to try to motivate children to behave, she focuses on the importance of building an environment of safety, respecting individual diversity, and understanding children’s sensory and nervous systems. Her emphasis on the importance of relationship in a world where discipline has been interpreted as punishment rather than "to teach" is a key message for all of us.

With plenty of scholarly research, along with helpful examples and informative diagrams, her book clearly and beautifully demonstrates the importance of figuring out the root causes of the behaviour as the prerequisite to finding compassionate solutions that work!

This book Is also important because it addresses both sides of the relationship equation (adult/parent and child) and offers effective tools, worksheets and strategies to help meet and understand the complex, and at times overwhelming, emotional needs/behaviours of children.

For so many of children, reward/punishment/consequences/privilege systems for managing behaviour challenges simply DON’T WORK. So often, kids with trauma, chronic stress, and neurological differences who behave in non-compliant ways are presumed to be manipulative, defiant, and in need of more discipline. What’s missing in these children’s lives is NOT “accountability” or “consequences”— most of these kids have been punished more harshly and consistently than most of us can imagine.  What they need most is human connection! Warm, attuned, positive relationships with adults who accept them the way they are. Dr Delahooke has compelling neuroscientific evidence to back this up. Behaviourally challenged kids generally have an overactive stress response system which keeps their brains from developing in line with their peers. They aren’t unmotivated or unwilling to behave better; they simply can’t.

What will help?
According to Dr Delahooke, providing an environment that supports the child in coping with stress and attaining a state of calm security. No one can learn or acquire new skills when they are in a constant state of fear, anxiety, tiredness and/or stress.

Dr. Delahooke has done an amazing job of explaining complex material in a very readable way. This book raises vital issues for the way we treat children in our nurseries, pre schools, child care settings, after school clubs and programs, and in many homes throughout our communities. When we focus only on observable behaviours and labels, we miss the most important thing - that all children have rich inner lives that need to be valued and understood.

This book needs to be in the hands of every parent, teacher, therapist, pediatrician, and other professionals who attribute negative behaviour to matters of poor character and manipulation rather than as a way to communicate needs. The worksheets are clear and applicable for both therapeutic and caregiver interactions. This book has the potential to transform many readers' perspectives which would be the best possible news for all children.
 
Kevin Denvir
Freelance parent mentor and behaviour coach at Kevin Denvir Consultancy and Training.
www.calmerfamily.com

​“Gilly the Giraffe Self Esteem Activity Book" by Dr Karen Treisman.

Another attractive cover which invites you and children into the book.  Very accessible and comprehensive. The graphics instantly suggest this is a child-friendly resource.  As with Neon the Ninja, plenty of activity sheets which can be photocopied.
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Exploring this resource I held in mind the children I primarily come across in my role as a Social Worker in a Family Placement Team.  Self-esteem is something which many of these children lack significantly as a result of their early experiences, poor attachment relationships and trauma.

There is a broad spectrum of strengths-based activities within the book – some more cognitive and also many creative and sensory focussed resources with which children affected by poor attachment and developmental trauma could more easily engage.

The story of Gilly the Giraffe explores the message that we are all unique, its ok to be different and it’s important to notice and celebrate the positive things about ourselves and to believe the positive feedback from others.

Many children and adults find it difficult to see the positives in themselves.   Children affected by developmental and relational trauma even more so.
The story is easy to follow and engage with.  It’s important to read the story to your child before embarking on any of the activities so that your child has an understanding of the message.

The structure of Gilly the Giraffe resource is the practically the same as that of Neon the Ninja in that it begins with the story, then provides some activities which are fun, some further,  more in depth activities, and the Adults Guide which has some additional activities.

It’s important to read through the book and familiarise yourself with the activities.  However, you shouldn’t commence using the activities until you have read through and understood the information, advice and guidance within the Adult Guide.

Once the story is familiar to your child the parent, carer or professional should explore their own relationship to praise and positive feedback.  Dr Triesman, in the Adult Guide section emphasises how important it is for the adult to have awareness of this prior to instigating any activities with their child.  This provides an understanding of expectations or bias.

The activities within the Gilly the Giraffe resource range from more cognitive exercises e.g. sentence completion and thinking about situations to more creative activities involving making things, drawing, collages and more sensory based strategies which asks the child to associate positives with smell, taste, touch, sound, sight.  I liked the activities which look at a childs’ various “parts” like the “Russian dolls” exercise and the positive puzzle person.  It brought to mind “parts language” developed by Holly van Gulden (Adoption Counsellor, Author and trainer/consultant), which begins with noticing positive parts and accepts that we also have some less positive parts AND that we are still the same person.
The activities provide strategies for noticing, appreciating and celebrating positives and storing up positive feelings and thoughts which the child is encouraged to remember when things are tricky e.g. another child saying mean things.

Some activities focus on encouraging success and optimism for the future and ask the child to explore their hopes and dreams.

As with Neon the Ninja, the activities and exercises are not prescriptive or exhaustive.  Tools and strategies are provided which can be adapted and added to depending on the needs of the individual child.

Time can be taken over how the resource is used.  The story can “stand alone” or can be used in conjunction with whatever activities are appropriate.
Dr Treisman makes it clear that the parent, carer, professional should know and be attuned to the child and have a trusting relationship with them prior to embarking on the activities so that the child feel safe to explore the issues through the tools in the book.   The child requires to be regulated and calm so they are in a “thinking and learning space”.  The Guide explains that issues of self-esteem and obstacles to accepting praise and positive feedback need to be assessed and understood for each child.

There is a helpful and comprehensive section in the Adult Guide which determines that the adult should explore their own position, experiences and biases.  There is clear explanation as to how this impacts on the adult’s capacity to support the child and enable them to model thinking and feelings.   There are helpful questions to ask yourself in order to explore this.
I liked how the Guide provides exploration of the reasons why children struggle with poor self-esteem and how negative self-esteem develops including poor early experiences, domestic violence, neglect, abuse and trauma.  It also suggests how we parent or are parented impact on our capacity to believe in ourselves including blaming, shaming, rejection, being ignored, positive affirmation and how these are internalised, creating a negative cycle.

There are lots of helpful strengths-based suggestions, tools and strategies for children, particularly those who find it difficult to hear praise and identify positives about themselves and believe the positive feedback they receive from others.

The guide explores barriers to positive self-esteem including cultural, familial and generational differences in how we view praise and positive feedback.
All in all, this resource is extremely comprehensive and accessible.  Some adults may find exploring their own history and position with regard to praise and positives quite challenging and may require some support to do this in a safe way.

There are clear challenges working with children affected by developmental and relational trauma, however Dr Treisman acknowledges this and provides additional strategies whilst emphasising the need to “know the child” and take it at the child’s pace.

The scope of this resource means you can dip into it and adapt the wide range activities which fit with the child you have in mind.

Many of the activities are fun and creative and provide opportunities for conversations, expanding these conversations and enhancing connection with the child.  

This resource would be helpful to use in schools, as with Gilly the Giraffe, with groups of children as well as individuals.  Of course it would be important to have knowledge of how each child managed praise and positive feedback.   It would be an effective resource to promote inclusion and diversity and provide opportunities for individual children to feel noticed, heard and valued.
I tried a couple of the activities out with my 11 year old daughter.   She found some of the sentence completion activities more/less fun and enjoyed some of the more visual, creative exercises. 

I would want to use this as a resource with families in a systemic way which would allow exploration of how the adults manage praise and support modelling to the children in the family.

A valuable and comprehensive resource which clearly explores the issues.  Some parents or carers may benefit from support to explore their own position prior to initiating activities with their child.

Shona Thain, Family Placement Social Worker
(and my 11 year old daughter, Jenna)