Book of the Month August 2023 - The Simple Guide to Emotional Neglect

The Simple Guide to Emotional Neglect: What It Is and How to Help by Betsy de Thierry

Emotional neglect is one of the most invisible and hidden forms of abuse, due to this it is often not seen or thought about.

Betsy de Thierry has brought this subject to the fore and tackled it in her usual thorough but accessible style. I am a big fan of all of Betsy’s Simple Guides and often have to replace the ones I give away through my work with families. I always recommend them when I deliver training to foster carers, adopters, kinship carers, teachers and residential workers.


I know I will purchase many copies of ‘The Simple Guide to Emotional Neglect’ as I think it is one of the best yet. It tackles the subject methodically first explaining what emotional neglect is, goes on to explore its wide ranging impact and then makes suggestions for recovery.

​Before embarking on this difficult subject Betsy takes care of the reader by explaining that many may have experienced emotional neglect without realising and that they may discover this through reading the book. This is because it is a form of abuse that is not often recognised or understood and is often assimilated as a normal part of life. Her explanation will resonate with the reader and they will definitely be thinking about someone they know as they read.

She then goes on to examine the wide ranging impact of emotional neglect on the the body, brain and emotions. She considers areas such as the the senses, including those we don’t often think about which can affect things like our balance, de-personalisation where someone may not feel bodily sensations and our vestibular system which is important for someone to feel that they have a sense of how they fit into the space around them. She makes us really consider what it means to not have a fully attuned, nurturing parent/carer and the impact of not experiencing the essentials such as rocking, soothing, playing and nurturing touch to name but a few. The loss or absence of these affects the way an individual develops across many areas.

The way Betsy explains the the impact of emotional neglect on the brain and the neurobiology is particularly accessible. This is an area that a lot of people shy away from as they think it is too complex. Betsy covers what we need to know about the impact on areas such as self-regulation, emotional lability, memory issues, thinking and problem solving and explains why this is the case in a way that makes sense.

I particularly like the fact that she has highlighted that the growing foetus’ brain can be impacted on through maternal stress. We need to know these things to help us to understand how children and young people’s experiences need to be considered when thinking about their current difficulties. Despite the difficult topic this book is full of positivity and optimism as it gets the reader to keep reflecting on what they have learnt and how things can be changed.

The final two chapters focus on recovery and activities to help with this. It makes the reader feel ‘empowered’ to help a child shift from feelings of shame engendered through the affects of emotional abuse into being more able to accept comfort and become more reflective and curious about what is going on for them.

The preceding chapters have provided the reader the information and a level of understanding about emotional abuse which they can then use to help the child, which is mainly through relationships. To quote Betsy the emotionally neglected child needs “attunement, validation, containment and soothing” within their relationships and she gives such lovely examples and suggestions of how to do this.

This book would be invaluable for anyone working with or caring for a child who has experienced emotional abuse. I would also recommend it to those working in education, health and social work as it would help adults whatever their role, to start thinking about emotional abuse and to start actively looking out for it either in a child’s past or current situation.

Lesley Bell
Therapeutic Social Worker
SAIA Associate
PACE Trainer (supported by DDP Connect UK)

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